Deniselle's Diary Blog

My Cat!!!!

2010-07-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

I GET TO KEEP OSKU!!!! HE IS MINE NOW!!! (L) (L) (L)

I'm so happy about this! He's been such a joy and comfort to me here. It's great to come home to someone - even if that someone tries to run out through the door and begs/bugs you for treats first thing. Osku is 11, a very calm cat who sleeps a lot and enjoys food very much indeed. He's been more affectionate than I thought he'd be, and as long as I don't constantly poke/pet him, he's happy with me too. (L)!!! I don't know how I could have left him anymore. Two months with him have made me a total crazy cat lady. I don't mind the poops anymore, or even the pees and pukes in wrong places sometimes. He's fluffy, scruffy and cute, and he's mine! (L)

(Um, I might want to quit this blog since I never write here. Check my Livejournal if you want more frequent updates.)

I apologize for the picture quality. My cell phone cam is not the best, and I still don't have a digital camera.

Note the amusing nose shape and white blotch on the chest.
He loves to lie on the sofa back. It's very soft, apparently.
I think I startled him here. His tail looks quite fluffy, like he's furrowing it.

"Mmmm, treats!! More, more!!"
Surveying his kingdom. Since day one, he has acted like he owns the place. And now he does.

See? Crazy cat lady. I tried to put my dress on him. He looks indignant and serious. He's a very serious, perhaps grumpy, old man.

I was so excited I had to take a picture of us two. I was just out of the shower and had trouble making him look in the camera...
I decided I need a pic of him sleeping, since I specifically mentioned that. I opened the curtains to allow natural light in, but maybe there was too much of it. He's trying to figure out what I'm up to, without opening his eyes. (L)!

CAT!!!

2010-06-01T10:25:00.000-07:00

My brother's cat is here at least for the summer!

I love him! (L) (L) His name is... actually I shouldn't say so my brother can't find this blog. It's a form of Oscar, so we'll call him that. Oscar is a black, 11-year-old half-Siamese, half... something else .He's beautiful, cuddly and so far, unbelievably well-behaved. He does not like my brother's new puppy, so it's possible he's with me for good. (If only!)

I've really missed a pet - well, other than a snail - for a while now, and this is going so well thus far. He's been here for two days and we're just getting used to each other. Wish us luck!

Also: ONE MORE MONTH TIL SUMMER VACATION!!!! YEEEHAAA!!! Or something like that. The next few weeks are going to be a bit exhausting with the office summer party (big whoop), my goddaughter's confirmation (which is kinda nice except I have to stay at my Mom's house in the town I grew up in), and my godmother's 60th birthday party (the day before the goddaughter thing. And my parents will be there! What a weekend).

I'm a bit blogged out lately I guess. You can check my LiveJournal for TV-related posts. I'll surely be back here soon again or something. Back to enjoying the cat and The Office now! :)

Still Deniselle

2010-05-06T14:39:00.001-07:00

Read Lisa Genova's Still Alice in one night and still can't get it out of my head a well slept night and a whole day later. It's a novel about a brilliant pscyhology professor who gets early onset Alzheimer's and struggles to keep her mind and memory going, but little by little, she loses it. It's an utterly fascinating, but also anxiety-inducing read. Very realistic. The narration changes as Alice's mind starts to lose connections; first there's repetition, then time lapses. It's somehow terrifying yet intriguing. And I've been feeling pretty awful since I read it, to tell the truth.

It triggered so many depression feelings that I've been swamped. Fear of Alzheimer's? Not really. I'm too young to get it. (I did do a few memory tests and was happy to notice I did well in them.) But in a weird way, I ... related to Alice's pain of leaving her career behind? Does that even make sense?

It's just that I feel like depression has taken so much from me. I'm sitting in this one spot waiting to feel better, while others my age are going ahead with their plans and dreams. It feels like a dead end, but I know it's not; I see a wall but it's not really there. It's just a waiting period when I have to take it easier and tell myself to take one step at a time.

But I'm thirty and impatient. I have a master's degree, but I don't know if I can get a job translating, when even a 30-page task - which I just finished on Monday - gave me such stress and anxiety. I don't believe I can get a job and that's why I don't apply. What if I never can do it? These are depression thoughts again, I have to fight them, I have to tell myself I'm getting better.

Another thing - this is probably what I relate to the most strongly - is that I can't trust my own mind to tell me the truth. My perception of space is OK. My sense of time is OK; I remember things. But I can't trust my emotions, and to some extent, that's always the truth of your life. If you feel that everyone around you is harboring negative thoughts about you, it's very hard to consider yourself they aren't. When your mind is pushing the panic button constantly, it's hard to accept that everything is OK. I have to ask people if my reactions are normal, what do they think, what would they do. It's humiliating.

I feel really frustrated and angry. The initial diagnosis was a relief, getting the meds felt safe, I felt like I got better by leaps and bounds with each therapy session and each doctor's visit and each new day I took drugs. But over a year later, when I still struggle with many of the same things? ARGH. I'm beginning to worry that this will never end.

I need to stop thinking about this stuff now. I command myself to focus on something else for a while. My girlfriend says I'm doing a lot better and M says I'm doing a lot better and I must be doing a lot better. It just doesn't feel that way and I'm frantic. It might even be adrug-adjusting thing. I'll be OK.

May. And Snails.

2010-05-02T07:02:00.001-07:00

The snail's body adapts to the shape of their water box as it leans in for a drink. Note the double-ended sprout on the foreground; I'm using the dirt from potted organic lettuce, and it seems like new lettuce is beginning to grow... :D

Taking a snail for a ride. That's their cuttlefish bone = calcium source. She kept staring at her food like, "HuH?! This never took flight on me before..." (pretty much all the dents are snail toothmarks, in case you ever wondered what those look like.)¨

They have such beautiful shells! The longer one is currently about 7,8 cm long (foot) and the smaller one 6,8 cm. That's about... 2.9 and 2.5 inches, respectively. They may grow up to 15 cm (5.7 in), so um... I kinda hope they don't, but they've been a lot of joy and comfort, so I'm happy for now.

Dear Diary,

It's cold and shitty out there and I can't believe it's second of May.

Finns celebrate May Day on the 30th and 1st, but I didn't really. I was just in and... well, I did get quite a bit of translating done and am pretty sure I can send in a lot of pages tomorrow, which is good news because I need to pay rent. And generally makes me feel good about myself.

I did get drunk on the 30th, on one bottle of cider. It tasted kinda foul and I got bumbly and gigglish. It was pretty fun, but I get so SLEEPY so soon after - I had to take to the bed much earlier than usual. I'll never be the life of the party!

I would have gone downtown, but I knew I'd be upset with so many people in one place, so much noise, it was chilly and rainy, plus I just generally don't feel good on holidays anymore. There's something about the memory of being elevated and happy before I was depressed that gets me unusually down. I don't get suicidal on holidays, but I understand those who do. When you're depressed, you see everything through the same glasses of... mundane and dull. Like, there's tinsel and colorful balloons and sweet greasy foods, but so what? Someone had to work hard to put this there, look at the salespeople shivering in the cold, even the kids sound cranky... Life feels kind of depressingly... ordinary. I can take it on most days, but on holidays when you're supposed to be jolly and excited and you feel just meh... Ugh.

I do take a lot of joy in my snails, fandom and some other things, so I'm not completely joyless at the moment. The depression thoughts easily come in though.

The snails set aside five (5!) hours for eating yesterday. It was amusing to watch them destroy whole leaves of lettuce. They work slowly but surely, the leaf wobbles, the yellowy mouth opens and closes. I'm oddly proud that they can eat so much. They're my big babies! (L)

Speaking of eating: I've been having a lust for meat the last few days, so Subway Melt it is. Meat and meat and bacon! Mmmmm....

Too Cute For Words:

Ponta (from a Harvest Moon game)

He's pondering on something. My money's on sexual identity.

Poor Totoro has to be in the washing machine. He looks traumatized!

Blah, Part 2.

2010-04-28T16:05:00.001-07:00

I admire diary blogs where the writer is just intimate and open and writes whatever comes to mind. But for some reason I can't do that here. Why not? What's stopping me?

I'm fat.

I'm tired.

That is all.

Maybe the problem is that there IS nothing in my head?

Blah.

2010-04-28T16:01:00.000-07:00

I don't write on here a lot but when I do, I'm never happy with what I write.

When I'm not happy, I feel like writing here less.

When I write here less, I try to cram in more at a time which in turn makes me hate the entry. Argh!

Am I just too self-critical?

I feel like starting a webcomic. I'm not sure what about. I don't have a tablet and I may not ever get around to doing much but would anyone be interested in reading a webcomic by me?

My April Went Thus.

2010-04-28T15:25:00.001-07:00

Firstly: I got myself two new snails! (L) I actually bought these at the pet store. They are Giant African Land Snails (achatina achatina), and not yet fully grown. Beautiful creatures. Snails bring me a lot of joy and comfort in times of duress, so I just went and bought these on a day when I was feeling particularly crappy. They were an impulse purchase, and I must say I haven't regretted them!

(You guys aren't grossed out by big snail closeups, right?)

The slightly bigger one is called Araminta. She's very, very shy and always retracts her eyes when I take her on my palm. The slightly smaller one is Eurydice, or Espenson, or something else pompous and beginning with E, I haven't yet decided. (Eurydice is great but it's too difficult for me to pronounce. That's gonna be a problem.) She is adventurous and always on the go. They like to eat and dig themselves deep into dirt. These are the two favorite pastimes at the moment. Since they're much bigger than my other snails, it's easier to observe their bodies and behavior. Usually, there's at least a huge spiral shell sticking out somewhere even when they're not moving. I put in a water bowl for them yesterday, and was delighted to see one of them drink from it and dunk theri heads into the water with obvious relish. When they eat their calcium (cuttlefish bone), they make a rasping sound that sounds like ripping paper. My big babies!! (L)

I'm feeling somewhat better. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions, especially with the fandom - all feelings good and bad are swarming in with that. I write about it enough in the linked blog, so I'll focus on other issues here. Work is dull yet not unbearably so; the friendly yet slightly retarded co-worker is uncomfortably clingy, and I struggle between politeness and anger; the other weird coworkers I try to avoid. I'm eating a lot of ice cream for some reason. The sun is out most days and it's getting much warmer, and today I saw the first flowers. Most of the snow has melted, and new grass is beginning to come in. I'm still very tired, and my sleep is fitful. My dreams are weird and wonderful - sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way. This is a depression symptom, and I'm hoping it will go away soon.

I'm not completely depressed right now though. Therapy has been great. My therapist was all happy to see me :) and I was happy to see him too! I've seen him twice now, and on Monday, I was half an hour early and he let me come in right away. We talked for one and a half hours, starting with James and ending up with God. It was a good, cleansing talk. I always think I'm going to blog about what we talk about, but I never have the energy. It takes a while to digest what we've said anyway, so maybe I will blog about it and maybe I won't.

Maybe some quick notes:

I told him about my fear of death - both disappearing forever and living forever - that sometimes comes at night. But while talking about it, I realized I really worry about life. I worry about crushing disappointments, God's promises not being fulfilled. What I worry most of all is that Mary and I won't make it. There are so many obstacles in our way - both of our parents, the distance, the age difference, the sheer impossibility of meeting for ages yet - and God has told me we'll make it and live together happily. I need to believe in that future, and it's something I'm willing to work for very hard. But if it doesn't happen.. well, I might have to question the existence of God and the idea that there's a plan, and that might make life meaningless and just damn uncertain and scary.

He asked me what I'd retain of Christianity - what things can you take that are good? I guess a loving God, heaven (for everyone) and God being involved in people's lives and talking to me. And that's about it. It sounds like very little and yet it has everything - it's basically what I've been believing for ages now. No dogma, no judgement, no Hell, no obviously human constructs that you have to just take as given. Actually, it'll be really interesting to see if I'm called back into Christianity and find it all anew, or if I'll stay in my own heretic but liberated views. I'm kind of 50-50 on this right now. Jesus might still turn out to be the son of God and my savior. I've believed in Him nearly my whole life, and He seemed very close and very real to me at some point. But I also can't really combine that idea and my idea of a loving God, or even my experience and epiphanies until now. The idea that God needs a Son to atone for our sins... is a bit wierd. It sounds like a myth, an obviously human-created fairytale that allows for God to be good and merciful - which I still believe he is - and yet allows for people to be bad and need to be atoned for.

I think the one thing people tend to have a problem with is grace, complete grace with no exceptions and no requirements. It angers people and makes them uncomfortable. We like our guilt and our feeling that we can control our fate, that we can choose where we go after we die. We also like to look at ohter people and say: that person is not going to heaven, or: I'll pray for that person to go to heaven. These are elements that I also see as human right now.

We talked about a bunch of other stuff too, but I won't get into all of it. The really important thing that he's given me is a sense of success in my life. I leave his office feeling like I've been going in the right direction, that I've been going to A direction, moving forward, growing up. I've become independent of my parents in most ways; I've chosen my own path and dared walk along it, even if it has felt uncertain. In many ways, I am already the person I want to be, and that feels really good.

This feeling is subject to change when he's not around. Maybe it's important to take this as a goal now: I only have so many therapy sessions with him, so I need to learn to make myself feel like a success despiste everything I feel I haven't achieved. I want to feel like I've managed to grow up and move into a direction that's right for me, and that I'm becoming - or already am - the person I want to be. I need to bring this up in our next session in two weeks.

A Bootsy Hello

2010-04-08T11:52:00.000-07:00

My LOL boots, made by Elina!! They're so cute and like me, I'm very excited. (Actually, I might have wanted to take the picture when my foot was NOT inside the boot.) (Also my webcam has terribly dull colors - they're very bright and cute in reality. I'll take another picture later.)

This is my Christmas present from her - we met yesterday to exchange presents, amusingly late (or early) in the year. I got her the fridge magnets that you can make "poetry" of - each magnet has a word on it, so you can combine them to make poems. I must say hers veered right off the path of morality and into some rather sexual realms... It was nice to meet and discuss life, even if my thoughts are kinda dark at the moment. I think I mentioned suicide several times. But we laughed a lot too and discussed the bodies of certain male actors and the aging thereof (it wasn't all James; we were talking about Hugh Laurie, how good he looks, and whether James will look the same. We hope he will.) We (or only I?) ate yummy brownies. Her fish were freaked out by me this time and refused to nibble at my finger, which was very disappointing. But they were still cute hovering there, staring at me. "What IS that huge thing? Intruder??"

There are more pictures of Elina's crocheting (not knitting, as she pointed out) in her blog.

For two hours today, I felt really happy, confident, cheerful and perky. It went down after a while, and I'm not sure if it was the litre of Coke I had drunk before it, but... maybe the drugs are beginning to kick in a little? I could sure use a mood boost.

I've been worse the past few weeks, with exhaustion and lots of sad feelings. That's probably what happens when you adjust to a higher dosage, so it's nothing to worry about, although I've still been a little worried. Nothing's going particularly worse, although the Easter trip to my parents' house was very emotionally taxing. They irritate the crap out of me - and yet I almost cried on the way home, because - sniff - they are my parents and I love them. Couldn't wait to get away and yet felt sad they weren't there. I was almost kinda going to tell them I'm depressed, after watching an episode of In Treatment with April (who has cancer and didn't want her parents to know), but then I balked and brought in a box of vitamin D, and my pills were hidden there. And really, how could I have told when they won't stop talking? When one stops, the other begins, and they really don't need to have much to say.

The absolute best part of the trip was meeting my brother's girlfriend's new dog - whose name and breed I won't mention in case they google it - who was tiny and adorable. There are pictures in my Facebook. I was all over him the whole time, and he was very appreciative, playful and kind. He fell asleep in my arms. (L)!!! I was so happy all day after that. Why are dogs so important to me? I've never had one and neither of my parents love animals particularly much. My brother and I love them; my other brother and Dad are really indifferent about them; Mom seems to like them but not love them. It's strange. Is that in the genes?

I also watched a lot of Animal Planet. I learned about the pangolin. In Finnish, it's called "the ant cone", because it has a cone-like fur. For some reason, this reminds me I left the ice cream to thaw on the kitchen table about 20 minutes ago. Let's see.

-Well thawed, but not yet completely melted! Mmmmm. Oh, I see now - "cone" can be used to held ice cream too. It's not the same word in Finnish.

The good news: Thru a strange coincidence - or providence? - I am getting my old therapist back! He's coming in subbing someone else, and he starts next week, and I'll get to see him again. So... *sniff* We'll see how that goes, but I'm so glad I don't have to start all over again with someone new. I'm a bit nervous, however, about what he'll think of my life. I don't feel like I've gone anywhere since we last met. I think it was right before "An Evening With James Callis" because I remember distinctly that we talked about my anticipation for James' autograph, and he was happy I had sent James something. I think he saw it as a good sign. Aww, at least I can tell him how well that went. :) That's probably the best thing to happen to me in the last six months. I feel particularly bad that I haven't applied for jobs. I'm just not able. I hope therapy will help that. We need to tackle my fear of job search, because I'm just not happy right now. At all.

I was going to say something about James Callis. I can't remember offhand what it was. Thought of his belly today; it makes me happy. It's so small and yet so round, and it's the only part of him that's chubby at all. There's something irresistable about that. I think it's on my mind because I always talk about it with Elina. I try not to read into people's bodies because it's not all controllable, but I like to think a slight chub is the sign of an allowing, accepting personality. (Okay, I've met some slightly chubby - and downright fat - assholes too, so I might be projecting.) (I always try to sound fat acceptant, but I worry that I'm buying too much into the "chubby=likes to eat" idea, partially because I like to eat.)

I had a slight fan lull earlier this year - possibly because I was attacked for being a stalker, so I tried to tune it down. But I'll see him on my TV soon, and I'm so excited about that. I wish he wasn't the only thing in my life worth waiting for. Everything else is so far in the future. Fandom may not be much, but it keeps me going and helps me get thru the everyday life. And that's probably why most of us fangirl in the first place. James' life is probably not all that glamorous, but I always imagine him traveling the world completely and utterly free of all the things that worry me. To paraphrase The Big Lebowski: "It's good to know someone's out there taking it easy for all of us." (Once again, I feel compelled to add that I don't know if James is actually taking it all that easy. It's just how I see him. I need a disclaimer saying that in every post, because I feel silly assuming anything about him.)

The snow has almost melted away! It's light almost til about 8:30 PM, and today was +7 degrees. So spring is coming, and I'm so glad.

Spent a whole day reading Sue Townsend's Adrian Mole: The Prostate Years. Apart from all the fat girl jokes - only about every ten pages; the author has clearly developed -, I really enjoyed it. I've loved all the AM books, but particularly the later ones from Cappuccino Years on. It might be because the books get better, or because they discuss current events I know about (some of the 80's stuff is still very hit and miss for me, because I was too young and in Finland). Or maybe because it becomes more about Adrian and less about his parents' marriage/political events. Either way, I enjoy watching his life unravel and get inreasingly pathetic. Really, British humor is bleak. Much of the book is about his prostate cancer, and it still manages to be funny and, in all its depressiveness, elevating. Don't ask me to explain way.

Say Cheese

2010-03-27T14:29:00.000-07:00

Taken by my girlfriend.
Taken by my girlfriend.
Taken by my girlfriend.

Right.. This was supposed to be just pictures where they look in the camera, but then I realized I have a bunch where they're either close to the camera, or facing the camera... and they're all too adorable so I can't pick. I'm stopping here and going to bed but I might want to make another post later with a similar theme, because I obviously have a lot of pictures of their sweet faces.

How Cute Is It When a Puppy Yawns?

2010-03-27T10:39:00.000-07:00

Unbearably so. But also so elusive! The yawn is over so fast, which explains why I don't have more of these. I thought I had a bunch with the tongue showing.. Oh well, I'll add more here if I find any.

Warriors

2010-03-26T15:21:00.000-07:00

Did I post this picture yet? I love this picture. I've been staring at it for a few days. Not really sure why. I just think it's a beautiful posture - the winner howling, the loser challenging the winner for more, and the outsider wanting to step in.

I do miss the shibas.

A Shiba Goodbye

2010-03-25T16:55:00.000-07:00

A little post about the last days of the shiba inu pups at www.ustream.tv/sfshiba. I'll post more screenshots later - I took sooo many on those last days especially. Sniff, shiba!

Here are some random shots of the last day all five spent together:

The puppies seem very curious about their surroundings, apart from one thing - the webcam itself. It would be so cute if they only wanted to look into the camera! But we did get a few of those occasions during the last night too. Bonsai:

And more importantly, Bento:

This one actually happened when I was in bed, but my girlfriend in America was up and took these two screenshots. She reports that the camera went blurry for a while because Bento licked it. (L)!!! Actually, I think she took a picture of the blurriness too. Yes, here it is:

Hee!

Bella was the last one to leave. She seemed lonely on her last day, so Master came to play with her and pet her a bit:

Here's her very wiggly goodbye - not too excited about waving, and wanting to get off the lap.

My favorite one in the end was little Beni-Bara (red rose in Japanese). Bara was the runt, a feisty little girl who was always ready for a fight. In her goodbye video, Bara was actually very toothy, but here you can't see that yet. (The cam was off for the goodbye videos, but I just got this right before.)

Goodbye, little shibas! (L) Thank you so much to Mr and Mrs Shiba for giving us a glimpse of their lives.

New Doctor and Other Joyful Thoughts

2010-03-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

feeling joyful, like this shiba. (Yes, the shibas left and I'm really sad about it. Will make more posts with cutesy photos soon. I went a bit screenshot-crazy the last few days!)

I saw the new doctor today. It's called a "personal doctor", but they change it around so it's rarely the same one two years in a row. I was really worried, but I needn't have been - she was really kind, and the notes from the previous doctor and counselor were on her computer, so I didn't need to start from the beginning. I told her I have trouble falling asleep, because anxious thoughts circle around, and I get anxiety attacks still. I also mentioned I've been having suicide thoughts on and off.

She prescribed me stronger meds - 30 mg citalopram - and, most importantly, I'll get free counseling again. Yay! I know it won't be the same psychologist, and it may not be as good this time, but talking to someone professional is going to be good either way. It helps me sort out my thoughts and it will be good to be sort of accountable to someone about how I'm doing. I mean accountable in terms of "someone knows if I'm relapsing", so I can't just sit around thinking of suicide. It gives me a feeling of safety. Plus I'm not sure if I've really been advancing mentally lately and I need someone to get me on track again. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself and all that - I should relax and try to focus more on good things. Like James. And TV shows in general. And namelisting! I should take up namelisting again.

I may be on a rollercoaster for the next couple of days, due to the med change, but hopefully it will go smoothly and settle down soon. I also got a refill of Xanax, so I can take that when needed. (So far, I just seem very hyper. Heh, I almost wrote "so fat"! Hee!)

The sun is shining, the snow is melting, and it finally looks like spring is coming. Thank god. I can hear the birds sing, and the breeze from my window is friendly and smooth, no longer the harsh biting frost of winter. Wow, I'm waxing all poetic about this. There are things I love about winter, but the last two have been very hard on my emotions, so I'm really looking forward to summer now.

Do I still need to take the vitamin D supplement? Oh what the hell, I'm taking it because it tastes really good. Mmm. *sucks*

Have finally been getting new clothes - three new shirts, one of which with cleavage ;), slim jeans (never owned a pair before - form-hugging yet flexible waist, awesome!), and one new "kite-My" nightie to replace my old Little My nightie which was too tightie. (I tried to fix it by cutting off the too-tight neck band, but only managed to rip it apart. Oh well.) I guess I'm embracing the weight gain and it feels pretty good. My girlfriend thinks I look really good in the new shirt, and so does Elina, so... *blush* I feel pretty! Maybe it's not so awful to be this big.

Hey, I'm coughing a lot! This is GREAT! It could be due to the dustiness, BUT I could have the flu! And get tomorrow off! Oh dance in the streets, I'm so joyful! *lalalala* OK, I think I may be on the drug rollercoaster already but I only just took it like 3 hours ago, is there really so much citalopram in my system? Either way, I feel gleeeeful. Or who knows, it could be sugar high. *sips Coke*

Watching LOST season 3 now. I'm really hooked on this show! It's driving me nuts, actually, because you can't just watch a season and be content, you have to know what happens next and my favorite characters keep dying. It can be an infuriating show, but it also gives a lot. I'm very ambivalent, but I do think I can say - I love it.

This PostSecret cracked me up. In case the link expires at some point:

Whenever I log into a computer and find the previous users e-mail account is still open, I send them a message from their "future selves". The messages contain "key" information and "critical" reminders.

LOL!!! :D I have always wanted to get an email from my future self. It's like one of my secret fantasies. Gotta watch out for this prank!

Speaking of pranks, I will be working on the first of April - so we'll see how well people respond and whether or not they believe it's a real survey.

I'm having some thoughts about reopening my old blogs. Like the comic blog. Or the name blog. Or something. I'm not sure, however, how much I could sustain writing there in the months to come. It doesn't seem like a great idea to have many blogs going when you've already got James to keep track of, and his projects will be out soon. But maybe I could have another one on the side where I write about something I enjoy writing about. Like TV. Or Books. Or tv books movies music and everything else. (Well, I'm not sure how useful that would be. Blogs like that seem to die out really fast.) I miss having another blog, but as usual, I'm too tired to actually make one.

I also think I might conceivably want to write on the depiction of Hurley on Lost as a fat character, and how his character is constructed - I think pretty well, to be honest, as he manages to be a real identifiable person. His weight is seen as a problem and often alluded to, and he's very insecure about it, but he is a person. I really like that.

Sweet Shibas, Part 4

2010-03-15T09:24:00.000-07:00

Just because. :)

Cropped Shibas

2010-03-14T16:03:00.000-07:00

I'm tired and stressed after a long work week, so what better way to unwind than posting a few shiba pictures. I took the time to crop these last night, so they look a bit more presentable.

Shiba love! (L)

Sweet Shibas, Part 3

2010-03-13T07:27:00.000-08:00

More shiba pictures, mostly from the 4th of March. No particular theme. Cuties. (L)

March... Stuff.

2010-03-11T15:20:00.000-08:00

Another shiba picture instead of an cion. This is what they were doing just now.

*I refuse to say "March Madness" because I'm tired of repeating the same tired phrases everyone else uses, even if I did have a post called "June Bugs" earlier*

My life is a bit meh right now. The depression seems to be getting worse, which means being tired all the damn time. I sleep a lot, but I wake up exhausted, and the only time of day I'm NOT tired is the AM hours, like right now, when I could be sleeping and I'm not.

I have, however, managed to arrange two meetings with friends whom I haven't seen in a while. And I actually went both times and didn't cancel at the last minute. I'm very proud of myself. That also means I got some doggy time this Tuesday with a most adorable whippet. As usual, the warmth and longing for a dog has stayed with me for a few days. Would it be so unthinkable if I got a dog of mine own? I know I can't afford it right now, and that I'm enough of a mess without bringing an animal into it, but still. Well, either way, it felt good to stroke and (try to) scratch (he's so skinny it's hard to find a place to scratch!) the sweet whippet boy. He indulged me in my need for closeness and lay with his head in my lap for a while. Mary is completely infatuated with him based on photos and would like to have a dog like that.

Both of these two friends have been very patient with my "I'd love to meet you - wait no I can't right now" for the past year or so. After a while, when you cancel a lot, you start to feel a bit guilty and like they must think you're such a pain for always canceling and not following up on "let's keep in touch". But it was really natural and nice to be together. Spending time in someone else's apartment also gives me a much-needed change of scenery - I think I suffer from sensory deprivation on the weeks when I only go home and to work, and occasional trips to Subway and McDonald's don't really help.

Work sucks and I have lots of it this month. I'm getting tired of the constant "we need you now, please take extra shifts!" mentality, especially since it's only temporary and I will probably be begging for a weekend shift next month. I deserve better, but... yeah, I don't know. I really should be somewhere else by now. Maybe the depression is stopping me from getting another job, or maybe I'm just depressed because I'm not getting another job. I wish I knew which.

I'm finally getting into Lost, and liking it a lot. It's not as good as the hype, and some things grate - like the cliffhangers and then not revealing anything until many episodes later - but it's got some great characters and interesting backstory for most of them. If only I could like the protagonist, Jack. He's just too heroic to be likeable. For some reason, I do love the über-pretty heroine this time. I very rarely do. That must mean they did something right with the character of Kate. Also love Claire, Charlie, Sawyer and Locke. Aww, and Hurley, who seems like a pretty decent fat character.

I also bought Heroes season 2 and am going to get sucked into it, once I have the sufficient time off to do so. (I'm thinking Saturday night.) I love Heroes but I haven't been keeping up for some reason. I seem to let go of TV shows easily lately, and then get back into them later when I find the time. As if I actually have a career and a life and all that. Sometimes I just don't feel like watching TV, I guess, and other times I'm watching all the time.

It's a good sign, depression-wise, that I'm still watching TV and reading a lot. If I were really badly off, I wouldn't be able to focus on that stuff.

OK, it's 1:30. I'll try to actually get off the computer, maybe watch In Treatment for a while (Lost is way too exciting, I found after having an all-night nightmare about people trapped in some strange city where time and place don't make sense), and then just try to sleep before 5 AM. I can do this. I can fall asleep. It's not so hard.

PS: I'm thinking about James and donuts a LOT. Because I need stuff to make me happy and give me hope, and for whatever reason, James and donuts does just that. It's a mystery to me why it does, but who ever said fandom - or fetishes - need to make sense?

Sweet Shibas, Part 2

2010-03-11T15:03:00.000-08:00

Another verse, same as the first. I just got in the mood for posting these, and I may never get in the mood again, so I'm taking advantage of it now.

Source: www.ustream.tv/SFShiba - many thanks to Mr and Mrs Shiba for sharing their furbabies with us!

Sweet Shibas

2010-03-11T14:31:00.000-08:00

www.ustream.tv/SFSHiba has been broadcasting the life of five shiba inu pups pretty much since their birth on January 16th. Soon they will go off to their new homes - sniff!! - but we'll always have the videos and screenshots. I'm in love with these puppies and especially the two white ones (with adorable brown ears!)

Here are some random screenshots I've taken of the puppies. I'm not putting them in time order, so you may see them bigger and smaller. I'll probably make a more arranged post some other time. For now, I'm just doing something to make myself happy.

Um, I notice some of these have a bunch of stuff underneath. I hadn't realized you can make the pop-up window full screen, so I had a problem with the background. I might wanna crop these later or something. But at least you can see what I've been up to while taking the photos. Maybe that's more authentic or whatever.

Therapy (or the need therefor)

2010-03-03T15:22:00.000-08:00

Icon by Nicole-Anell.

I can't afford therapy so I'm watching In Treatment. It helps me try to imagine I'm talking to a therapist. Maybe to Paul - although he himself is quite fucked up sometimes - maybe to my kind therapist, the one I had for such a short time.

I always feared going to therapy because I thought it would bring the darkness down on me worse than ever before. I thought I might be left alone in the darkness and never get out.

The opposite happened. Every time I left his office, I felt I was basking in light. It made my whole life seem worth living and somehow deeply meaningful. I saw my life as something that had meaning and direction. Now it's all chaotic again.

I miss that feeling. I need someone else's insight on my life. But I can't afford to buy 80 euros a week (or even 80 euros a month).

Any therapist willing to work pro bono on me? I promise I'm very open.

Brief Notes, Feb 22nd

2010-02-22T12:48:00.000-08:00

Icon by Nicole_Anell.

I have washed a respectable amount of laundry today. This brings me some pleasure, not enough to make it a fun day or whatever, but enough to feel that I can control something in my life. There's a lack of "good" shirts, and I need to purchase a few. I'm too picky, I guess. I want a shirt that's ME and a nice color and fits me well and whatever. If I were like some people at work, I'd just go to the men's department and pick a color I like, purchase 3 or 5 of the same shirt and then wear those the whole time. Who could blame me? But I have a feeling I'm going to have to do that in the future, when I'm too big to wear women's clothes. So just for now, I still want to look somewhat feminine.

I felt sad about not fitting into some clothes, but I'm trying to get over that. They're clothes. They get wear and tear and I'd have to discard most of them after a while anyway. Also, I own too many "bad" shirts that have gone old and are no longer fit for work. I might as well shred some of them and use them as ... tiskirätti? What's that in English? Like a ... wipe thing for cleaning..? :D

The 17th was my anniversary. A year since getting on meds and getting help to my depression in general. What have I learned and how have I grown in this year? Have I healed? I still get sad and mopey and feel like life will never change. Somehow I feel better though. Maybe it's hard to put your finger on how - and maybe I expected to be doing even better at this point - but really, all in all, I'm feeling pretty fine. I was going to make a list of how I've developed, but somehow I don't feel like making one. Maybe make one later today or tomorrow.

When I was going to therapy, I had the feeling that my life does have direction. I have strong views and values that I'm living by. I've made decisions and choices that guide my life. I just need to believe in myself. But lately, with no therapist to reassure me, it's so easy to fall back to "I'm a big loser, my life amounts to nothing". That's not really true though. With some things, I know what I want but worry about it anyway (weight). Or I know what I want but I need to wait before I can get it (Mary). Or I'm too insecure to pursue it (translating career). Or just somehow not ready to pursue it (writing career). Is the gallup job a positive or a negative thing? I can never decide. May 12 marks five years there. Daddy said, "That's quite an achievement". Is it? Or is it stagnation? But at least my employer has been happy with me - and I've been paying taxes and thus benefitting society somehow (although I believe I'd benefit it more by writing books) - and I've had freedom and time to heal a bit from my depression, which in a more demanding job might have dangerously escalated. I could be in hospital now if I'd been a translator when it hit. So in some ways, it's been a blessing.

No cigarettes in ten days. I'm actually not feeling super anxious over it or anything. The first couple of days were hard, now I still miss it, but don't crave it. I'm not sure if I really want to quit or if I did it for other people.

Weight obsession: ongoing. If I'm really FA, I will not diet. If I'm really FA, I will continue to eat freely and be brave in the face of temptations to do so. I feel like I'm being tested. Went down to the basement to get my scale back in the apartment. It looked so innocent, like anyone's old scale discarded in a basement storage space. But what it entails came to my mind - and I realized it's a failure if I bring it back up. It's giving up. So I locked the door again and just left without the scale. I don't need it. I'll weigh 90-odd kilos, give or take, and not worry about the exact amount. If I get diabetes, I will manage diabetes. My left knee has been hurting lately, and it could be the weight, but even if I need to have it replaced - I am going to accept it. Because I made a decision, I committed to something. And I really don't believe a diet would help me in the long run. (I know I say this or similar stuff in every post, but I really need this reassurance right now.)

Jehovah's witnesses are back. Seriously, they've been coming for almost a YEAR and I'm just too soft for never telling them off. I always lie that I've been working all night and was still asleep. I said to come in the evening time next time - I'll most probably be out then. Why didn't I say NO, NO, NO? Because I'm soft, that's why.

I was going to drink less Coke or at least switch to sugarfree. I haven't done either. Maybe I'm just not ready for that change. Will I rot my teeth? But should I let my teeth dictate how I live my daily life? Choices, decisions. If I'm going to rot my teeth, I might as well not think about it every damn day. *chews on xylitol gum*

I feel so stressed all the time. I want to rest. I have a head cold or flu again, but that's when my mind goes running off to all directions. It's 11 PM again and I can't see how I can sleep AGAIn in a few hours. I hate going to sleep, I toss and turn for ages. Maybe I should try just staying up all night and seeing how that goes.

Reading: Alice Munro Hateship, Friendship, Loveship, Courtship, Marriage ... is that right? In Finnish it's just Hate, Friendship, Love - we don't have that rhyme or.. whatever it is.. it's an odd title for a book, coming to think of it. For some reason, I love the story of an old couple where the husband leaves his wife into an institution and the wife falls in love with another man there. It's somehow heartbreaking yet it's a story about love - the husband's love for a wife who no longer knows her, his constant visists and loneliness. But why does that speak to me in my situation? Is it because I'm seeing less of my girlfriend due to her school and I'm feeling the weight of having to wait for many years still? A part of love is waiting and winning obstacles. But I miss her. I do miss her.

25 ½ Hours And Counting (And Other Stuff)

2010-02-13T16:27:00.000-08:00

Icon by nicole_anell.

Sorry about the previous post. I'm not feeling altogether well, but the rage seems to have gone by for today. I'm ready for bed. I didn't go out and buy cigarettes, and I didn't try to smoke my old stumps (which I dumped in snow, so they may not be smokeable anyway). I did sniff on them though. I thought of smoking a lot. But I didn't smoke.

I'm craving a cigarette so badly right now. My mind is constantly coming up with "would it be so bad if" scenarios. Would it be so bad if I only smoked now and then? Would it be so bad if I could take days off like this and then smoke a few days again? Would it be so bad if I did become a chain smoker? Etc. etc. I don't know if I'm mentally or physically addicted, or both. I'm not sure if it even matters.

I should get some of those Nicorette things. I'm stalling buying them because I'm worried they won't help. I'm worried I'm stuck with smoking for good. That wasn't my intention, because I was stupid enough to think I can try out addiction and then give it up when it best suits me.

Other than that - I'm going over my old VHS tapes once again. Every now and then, I go over them, throw out a few and decide to tape over a few others. There aren't that many left - I had so many tapes at some point, all self-taped from TV. I had most episodes of Seinfeld, all episodes of The Sopranos, and a couple of seasons of The Simpsons, among other things. Now I buy them on DVD, and while I know which one I prefer in terms of picture and sound quality - especially since the reception at my old place wasn't great -, I sometimes miss the fast forwarding and seeing what else is on this tape. There's an element of surprise that there isn't to DVD's. Where do you get a DVD that has one episode of The Simpsons, one of Seinfeld, one of Absolutely Fabulous, then some Joan of Arcadia... Of course, you get tired of it when you watch the same episode over and over again when nothing good is on TV. (Which is the reason I started to tape whole seasons.) But there's something so ... I don't even know, nostalgic? about this. Does anyone else miss this?

Also, I can't always afford to buy DVD seasons. The best example is In Treatment. It may be revolutionary TV, and it's one of my favorite shows at the moment, but I'd have to pay a hundred euros for the whole season one. When the regular price for new boxes is about forty. There are just that many episodes.

But I must praise In Treatment, no matter what. This show is basically just talking heads in a room. No music, no fast plot twists, just two (or sometimes more) characters talking and delving into psychology, into their minds and relationships. It's incredibly rare on American TV - or TV in general - to allow this much space just for character growth and dialogue. You strip all the flashy things on TV and leave just the characters, and it still works so well. For a show like this, you need stellar writing and stellar actors. I adore Gabriel Byrne in this role. BSG alumn Michelle Forbes (who played Admiral Helena Cain) plays his wife. She's soo different in this role. Actually, I just realized that Gabriel Byrne plays a drunk father on Spider, a movie I also own on tape. He's also very different in that role. How do actors embody a character? What kind of skill of going into somebody else's skin does it require? Is it like writing a character?

Soon we're halfway through February. Every week is closer to the spring. (Although it is -20 C outside right now, but it was sunny today, so that gives me hope.) Today marks the Shiba Inu pups' four-week birthday, and I've been watching them for almost as long. They've grown tremendously each week, their eyes are open, they can hear, and since a few days ago, they have a chance to explore the room outside their bed. It's adorable how their little ears are popping out - they sort of emerge out of the head. (L)! One of the white pups has brown ears, which is adorable. They're also being housebroken, as apparently shiba inus learn this very early on if you provide pads. The cam isn't on in the weekends, and I already miss them.

I can talk about topics other than smoking, as I have proved here. And that's not the end of it! My ear itches, for one thing. Also James gushing, because there was a new interview today that almost managed to make my day.

Withdrawal Rage

2010-02-13T11:18:00.000-08:00

Icon by nicole_anell

Yeah, not going so smoothly right now. I am SO MAD right now, it started out of nowhere, I didn't even know WHY I was mad.

Although I do now know, because the idiotic coworker who bugs me all the time just sent me an SMS. At 9 PM on a Saturday.

"I wonder if the last pay of this month comes on the 26 bc 28 is Sun or if it comes in March."

WTF?! She also asked me this morning if our pay is coming Monday the 15. Yes, yes it is. We talked about this at work the other day.

When will she stop obsessing over money? When will she stop ASKING ME IDIOTIC QUESTIONS both in and out of work? Do I owe her some kind of answer?

How does she spend her Saturdays, does she sit there counting money and tallying up all the unpaid bills - of which she surely has dozens - and trying to figure out when she can pay them?

Fuck her!!!! I'm turning off my phone. This is fucking harrassment! She sms'es me almost every DAY with some idiotic question! I'm so tired of this!!!

It wouldn't be so bad if she hadn't told me just yesterday how she has to pay this deposit to get her internet USB stick. Because they have "some kind of marking" on her. I suggested it may be because she hasn't paid the bills of the previous internet connection, and it was shut down. She said "No I don't think so, because it's not the same company." Such stupidity! I give up . How could I ever help her+ I canno therlp her and this stupid typing isn't even working out.

Other than that, I am very nervous and feel like my life is going to waste. I feel better physically when I don't smoke, I don't like anything in particular about it, and yet I want to eat that poison and I want to burn in that fire. Because I'm rotten inside and just want things that are bad for me.

I'm drunk because I thought taht might mellow me out but for all I know it made this worse. Well, at least it only hit me about 18 hours after the last cigarette, so I can't be TOO addicted.

Smoking: Part 2

2010-02-13T05:57:00.000-08:00

Icon by triniroslin.

I kinda sorta took up smoking again. A week ago. So I'm trying to quit now. I can do this.

I like the rebelliousness of smoking, the way it's despised and seen as the ultimate health problem. I even like the concept of being addicted to something, for whatever reason. But the reality of incorporating smoking into my everyday life? I don't know. It's expensive, takes a lot of work (smoking breaks, can I smoke in here, etc.), almost no one I know approves of it. It makes me feel ratty in the throat and chest. There are no good sides and no good reasons for doing it.

I'm not sure why I did this again, and why I kept going until I almost made a habit out of it. I may already be addicted to nicotine, or at least mentally addicted to the idea of smoking. I just know I had to try it, go on for a while, and only then try to stop. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know.

On Thursday, I tried to quit. I had a headache, anxiety attacks, nightmares, and I was very, very angry. So yesterday, I indulged in the smoking for four more cigarettes. Today, so far, nothing. No withdrawals at all. Maybe they're coming later (I've only been up for two hours). Maybe it's just a mental thing - I really want to quit this time.

Last night, I had 17 cigarettes left. I shredded them all in the trash and I wanted to cry. But there's no chance of smoking now and that gives me a certain peace of mind.

I told my Mom about it. Why did I tell my Mom? I guess to get more accountability. She was super concerned. When I told her I shredded the cigarettes, she sent an sms saying: "Now I'm really proud of you!" This is big for a Finnish mother. People don't say those things a lot here. I felt really touched.

My girlfriend was also super concerned. Like she said, "For once I agree with your Mom." :D She really wanted me to quit, because she worried about me doing this just to be naughty and non-healthy, or just to be like James, or worst of all, just to be hated for something other than being fat. Her concern for my health was a big deal, but it meant even more that she worried about my emotional well-being.

I guess I'm tired of being obsessed with my weight. I want other things to fight against, to occupy my mind. But I realized something last night: I'm making progress with the weight stuff. I've been able to work on it, little by little, over these past ten years. I'm not at the same spot I was in the beginning. While I hate it, it's still MY cross to bear, and in some sense, it's become dear to me. As in, I'd rather have this problem than someone else's issues. But smoking - this is something completely new to me. It does distract me, but it's a new thing, so it's back to square one. I don't have insight on why I wanted to smoke, and it might take me a while to really understand it.

Also - I don't think there's anything to smoking other than "when you're addicted, it feels damn good". That's not really very deep or interesting or anything. Also also: addiction is not something I can toy with and discard when I'm done. It's serious and it can be for life. I have to at least consider the possibility that I can't stop and will smoke my whole life. The health consequences can be severe too. I have to be honest with myself about that stuff.

So did I do it for James? Partially yes, partially no. I mean, he did get me curious about it. Maybe on some level, I think it's cool because he does it. But it wasn't my only reason, and I'd be pretty stalkerish/childish to let him make that kind of choice for me. (Plus he probably would tell me to not start, like all smokers I've talked to.) I'm surprised his smoking had any effect on me at all, but I guess role model influence is still a major factor for an adult. I'm not saying "tsk tsk, such a bad role model" or anything. It's up to me what qualities I project onto him and what I admire in him. Maybe he hates smoking and has tried to quit many times. But I still love that he does it.

I miss the taste and smell of smoking, the way it feels in my mouth. But I'll try to not dwell on it. I'll focus on other stuff. And I'll make it.

Part 3. Just Because I Feel Like Writing More.

2010-02-04T15:24:00.000-08:00

Icon by geekbynight.

I feel like writing something. Maybe something political. Ummm. Hmmm. Do I feel up in arms about anything? Or maybe feel like declaring something daring? Or commenting on something?

I suppose I don't. O.o Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Maybe my fire has gone out, or maybe I've become more mellow as the depression is hopefully healing.

Maybe I should post about being FA and what my current activity level on that is, since I may still have some readers who remember my old blog Fatly Yours.

The situation at the moment is that I read The Fat Nutritionist and click on spurious feed posts from there. I don't read every blog in the feed, I don't check every day, and I try not to read the posts that are direct comments to something really fat-hating in the media. The truth is, I just can't always take the hate, even when it's presented in the form of "this is how dumb the haters are".

There are some blogs that write a lot about healthy eating and nutrition, which is a) not a topic that interests me at all, and b) a topic that has great potential to make me anxious. So frankly I avoid those blogs, no matter how well written and FA they are otherwise. This is just a personal sanity decision, although I still do think a certain "healthy lifestyle" thinking fits poorly in the world view of FA - or at least the world view I've come to call FA, which includes food positivity as well.

So I'm reading less, overall. But that's not just FA. I'm not reading any political blogs lately, no matter what the focus. Maybe my political self has been slumbering for this past year of depression, and is not quite ready to wake up again. I like being political. But I also like being non-political and just being human among other human beings. Politics create a rift between groups, even if they're absolutely essential sometimes. Maybe rifts are needed too, so that people can see the deeper issues in our society and respond to them.

I will now proceed to ramble on about politics and see if it goes anywhere. Even if it doesn't, I think I'm posting this.

I remember when I first entered university, I was one of those girls who declared I am definitely NOT feminist. I mean, I don't hate men! I want men to have rights too! In fact, maybe men need more defense now when women are getting a little too powerful! These were my arguments, and today I cringe at them. Many people I know - especially relatives - still think in this way. And these are not people who would make sexist comments about women's rights in other contexts. Everyone I know is for women's rights and equality (at least to a certain extent that doesn't disrupt the status quo).

I remember well how feminism made me feel at the time: uncomfortable. I felt downright scared of it - not because I was such a big sexist and it would have made me give up some privileges, but because I didn't want to accept that our world is not already equal. I was scared of the concept that even Finland of the 2000's is not ruled by equality and benevolent partnership between men and women. I really wanted to believe in that world view, just like I'd very much like to believe that nobody hates fat people, and that if you're fat, you can just laugh it off and not feel bad or discriminated against. I'd like to believe that even the most fervent anti-gay people are just looking out for our own best interest and truly want to help us. Because I'd rather live in a benevolent world like that.

I've often heard people say "fat people are not really hated", or "not really discriminated against". Another popular one is "if you're fat, you could just diet, right?" Both of these imply that you don't have a right to speak out as a fat person - maybe specifically as a fat woman. They also imply that things are OK the way they are. It's not really "what are you gonna do?" so much as "lalalala I can't hear you". There's no sympathy in statements like that. There's just the implication that things are a-ok and you should just be quiet. That's pretty much how I felt about feminism before I took Women's Studies courses and read the fatosphere.

It just struck me that in some of the very first posts at Fatly Yours, I said I don't approve of using "fat is not unhealthy" as an argument. I just thought it ridiculous at the time, in early 2007. I thought fat is unhealthy and this has been proven beyond a doubt, so our entire message needs to be that fat people are worthy of equal treatment despite our health problems and overeating and all that. Because I did also believe that being fat comes from eating too much, always, unless you have like a diagnosis for something that makes you fat. I learned from the fatosphere that it is not so. I learned there was a different way of looking at fat, and that it's not an "excuse" or "self-delusion". There are real reasons to believe that fat may not be a health problem for everyone. And there are lots of people who "eat right" and exercise and are still fat.

I wonder if people's reluctance to acknowledge these things lies in the same underlying feeling of unease that made me reject feminism at first. Maybe we're not ready to acknowledge that fat is not in our own control; that being slim is not a sign that you're doing it right; that we can't just lose the weight and keep it off in all cases, no matter how much we want to or need to. It's a disconcerting thought and it still feels upsetting to me at times.

It does upset me sometimes to think that I may gain a lot more weight and may never be able to lose all, or any, of it back. I'm worried about being so fat it paralyzes me and still not having a way out of it. But really, what am I scared of? I think I'm scared of losing control. It's not realistic to believe that I'm just going to keep gaining and gaining my whole life and end up 800 pounds. That happens to extremely few people, even if they eat a lot and enjoy fattening foods. I've "gained a lot of weight" really only two years of my life - last year (16 pounds) and the year 1998 (20 pounds). Neither of those is especially alarming. I weigh 198 pounds (90 kilos) and it feels like a lot, but lots of people are heavier and still have good lives.

Now I'm too tired to think/write much more. I hope this made some sense.

February, Part 2.

2010-02-04T13:57:00.001-08:00

Icon by Triniroslin.

This blog was looking kinda dark, and I realized that was one of the reasons I haven't been posting a lot here. It looked a little too basic and dull. So I've made it look exactly like the Baltarstar Blog, because I'm lazy.

But maybe the real problem is that this is my "depressed" diary - I write happier and/or more fangirlish posts over at LJ. Maybe I should post more shorter and happier things here. On the other hand, if I'm really depressed, they do have a useful "friends only" option. Blogger is only "allow/don't allow comments". I don't know. I may have too many blogs, especially considering that not much happens in my life, but I intend to keep them all at least for now.

I'm watching quite a bit of Frasier lately. Most episodes seem to be on Youtube, and it's a show I can stand to rewatch quite many times. It's on an endless rerun loop in Finland, but I'm still not sick of it. Better than the average sitcom. I don't know how they managed to do it; some of the humor is really quite broad and silly, yet there's something deep to it. I love the characters and the fact that the humor is based on them, not just wacky hijinks. Unfortunately, the last two seasons were mostly sub-par. They might have wanted to end on a high note, with Daphne and Niles eloping from Daphne's wedding. (Although I did enjoy a few of the later eps, e.g. the one with Niles' heart surgery.)

Got really into FlashForward from the first episodes, but after episode 3 or 4, it's been slow going. I'm not that intrigued by the characters, it seems; I mainly want more clues in the story. Which might mean the show is a failure in terms of engaging the viewer.

The Shiba Inu Cam is broadcasting. I feel almost sad that the puppies already look so big; that their eyes are open and they have toys; that they have collars now (to tell them apart). All of this means we're getting closer to the moment they're given away to their future homes. Yet it brings me joy to see them develop and grow and look more and more like shibas. They still do resemble bear cubs rather than actual shiba inus, but the day will come when their faces and bodies become longer and thinner, their ears turn upright, and they start to look like adult dogs. I watched the previous litter about one and a half years ago, and I feel like a veteran at this. Although we started watching later than this time, and now I've seen them since they were three days old. It's somehow special. And it's weird that you can't see them grow right before your eyes, because they grow so fast. They're just suddenly bigger.

Annoying Coworker keeps bugging me. I wrote about her, right? She's mildly disabled, quite friendly but a bit clingy. I don't really know what her mental state is, i.e. what kind of confrontation she might be able to handle if I feel like I can't take it anymore. The worst part is, I loaned her money, and she has yet to pay me back four months later. Also, she had two phone lines and her internet connection shut down due to unpaid bills, and she's just like, "Oh, I'll get a new cheaper account." Except that she still has to pay the bills, right? She doesn't seem to realize bills are not voluntary, and I'm not sure if I should butt in or not. She is a grownup - but she doesn't act like one, and I don't know how she can manage to live alone. She also has a boyfriend who's also living with someone else. I feel pity for her, but I'm not sure what I could do.

February.

2010-02-04T13:22:00.000-08:00

Wow, I haven't posted in almost a month. I might want to ditch this diary and keep it to the Livejournal, but then my account there can be very buggy at times and I suspect that's because - it isn't a paid account. I hate sites that offer things only to paid customers (things like more than 15 icons. WTF?) Let me just try something. Will it feel more fun to post here if I can use BSG-related icons? This one is by geekbynight.

The Shiba Inu Puppy Cam is back! The new litter has five puppies, three male and two female. Two of the puppies are WHITE (L), which is adorable. (That's apparently called "cream" among Shiba experts.) I'm totally addicted to the cam, and my girlfriend and I have been watching it and commenting on the puppies. It's so hard to get anything done when you're focused on that. Nothing happens, but I mean, they even stir and twitch in their sleep, so you don't wanna miss a thing.

My January was a bit tired and dark. I've had more depression symptoms lately, including weird sleeping patterns, nightmares, and even appetite loss on some days. My mood is on some days mellow, on other days anxious and near-suicidal. It varies a lot. I'm not sure if I should be worried or not.

I got to do a transcript/translation project that I really enjoyed, and unfortunately it was only the one project, but I feel proud I got it done. Maybe I'll look into job hunting more now. It feels encouraging and confidence-building to have something like that to work on.

My weight is around 200 pounds now, bringing my BMI to 35. So I've moved up a notch in the OMG OBESITY stakes. Please adjust your idea of me accordingly.

Frankly, I'm feeling really low about the weight. I made the mistake of watching some "Fattest teenager in the world" documentary, and while I realize I'm nowhere near that big, it always seems to affect me. It might be that they were being totally understanding and caring with the teenager, yet treating his weight like a problem that must be fixed (at about 800 pounds, it probably must be). There's always the temptation of applying the same to my weight and deciding that I just need to fix this problem, but I'm not going to do that. I've made a commitment to be fat acceptant. I would be a huge hypocrite if OMG 200 POUNDS made me do something I don't believe in (diet), when I wouldn't applaud the same behavior in other people.

Oh, but I got a totally helpful Anonymous comment a few weeks back! I rejected it, but here it is:

I'll make it simple: put the fork down.

Yeah, you sure simplified it to the point of being inane. It's just that self esteem problems can't be solved by dieting. I have emotional issues with my weight and food, which may be eating disorder-related or just generally self esteem-related. These problems need to be addressed mentally, not physically. If I weighed less, maybe I'd feel better physically, I don't know. I'm not feeling physically bad though.

You can assess from the above paragraphs how well I'm doing with the "less weight obsessing" resolution. Oh well, one month down, 11 to go. I still have time to get less obsessive about it. The point is that I'm aiming to improve my mental health, not just wanting to lose XX pounds.

I think I'm adding my twitter feed to the sidebar. It used to be very fangirly and I thought my non-fan readers might find it annoying, but it's increasingly personal and sometimes FA-related, plus I update it daily, not just monthly like this blog. It might be a better indication of how I'm doing, in case you're interested in that.

By the by, f you want to add me on Facebook, I'm using the name Deniselle Baltar. The account is private, but I'll add you if I know you.

I think I'll post more later. It's more fun if I don't try to do a megasupereverythinginone-post.

Feeling Better Again...

2010-01-09T07:00:00.000-08:00

Ok, I feel better again.

I feel like I should mention that I do know I have a persecution complex, and I do realize on calmer moments that I'm a bit, well, paranoid about people hating fat people.

The good thing, though, is that I know there are compassionate and caring people out there who don't hate fat people or despise us or anything. And that makes me able to write stuff like yesterday's post. Before fat acceptance blogs, before my girlfriend, before therapy, I wouldn't have dared write it in public for fear of "duh" and "stop playing victim and lose weight" messages. I know there will sometimes be messages like that, but I no longer think they're the voice of "the average person" or "everybody else". No one's hated on me for the post yet.

I sometimes wonder if having a fat acceptance blog was helpful or not for my weight anxieties. It did give me tools to work on them, but it also showed me some of the biggest asshats online. I got troll comments weekly at some point, and it was hard to weed thru them. Also, many FA blogs comment on fat-hating content elsewehre online. It's talking back and it has to be done, but I figured out quite fast that I can't do it without getting extremely anxious. Sometimes I also can't read it without getting anxious. Sometimes even seeing the titles of such posts will make me anxious. Even if the article itself were liberating, loving, accepting and reassuring - the concept that there are fat haters out there drives me nuts.

I don't know what to do about this. I wanted to be political and speak for the fat people. This was something that mattered to me. I was on fire and felt I was doing something, not necessarily making a difference but at least trying to. I write well and enjoy it when I blog about James, but I'm preaching to the choir and there's nothing political about it. It's just fun. Small readership, little outside interest, by definition. What's wrong with that? Nothing. Sometimes I miss politics though. I miss being an activist but it wears me out so.

The bigger anxiety tends to hit me, peak, and then subside. This happens approximately once a month, or once every two months if I'm doing extra well.

Basically, I need for this winter to be over. The darkness has been getting to me for a while now and I don't know how much longer I can handle the mood swings. I want my warm, shiny spring. Now.

The Weight of Hate

2010-01-08T12:27:00.000-08:00

[warning: anxious, potentially triggering post]

Can you reason with hate?

Can you not?

Why do some people hate fat people

or want us to hate ourselves because it will "motivate" us?

Do they want me to kill myself? Would they like me out of their society?

Maybe they'd be glad to hear I've thought of suicide. A step in the right direction. One less fatty to take their money and their food and their space and their right to see the world the way they want it. Slim people and hard bodies, nothing else.

If fat is a crime, is the penalty death?

Do I need to administer the penalty?

Or pardon myself?

I have this idea that at the moment of death, I could finally see clearly and feel I'm atoned. It's like it's a crime to stay alive. I bug other people. I'm taking something I'm not allowed.

The more I write the more my shoulders sag and my neck bows down. I beg for forgiveness, but will I receive it?

I'm writing this in the hopes that it will relieve some of the worst anxiety, but I don't feel relieved at all. I'm not sure what to do.

Killing myself would hurt the people who love me. I do have people who love me. I won't kill myself.

This doesn't help me. I just sound emo. For all I know, I'm hurting others with the same problems. I'm sorry. But I'm publishing it in case...

Just in case.

Teenage Angst...

2010-01-06T07:13:00.001-08:00

In the spur of the moment, I entered Nathan Bransford's contest. I created a diary entry that is woefully close to my own diary as a teenager.

It may be a bit overdone, as I actually never realized as a teenager that my touching her - or hugging her too hard as I put it in my diary - was the reason for our drift. She sensed that I wanted more than friendship; I did not. I was really oblivious to it and maybe I should have written it that way, but I chose to have my teenage protagonist realize what had happened.

I feel embarrassed. I feel ridiculous. I feel like I've bared something to the world I don't want the world to see and like it must be a terrible entry and nothing at all like teenage voice and what was I thnking?

But I posted it.. and there it is.

5th of January

Why must I be so different? Why couldn't I be normal even in this one way? It's not fair!

I'm not asking to be cool, that would be too much. Or even pretty or popular; I've accepted that I'm ugly and unpopular and must live with that. I just want to be... like everybody else. But I'm not and I hate myself.

I hate myself and I wanna die.
Do I? Do I really?
I guess not. I wanna live, but not as myself. I wanna be someone else. Maybe Emily.

Oh Emily! Why don't you talk to me anymore? Why do you act like you hate me? I love you so much, Emily. My Emily. You were mine once, right?

My heart is broken. I always thought it'd be over a boy. If only it were over a boy, maybe I could go tell Mom about this and cry to her. I try to pretend everything is OK and she's oblivious. She thinks I'm the same I was a year ago, but I'm not. I'm miserable. I've never been this unhappy in my life.

Your long blond hair on the pillow. I watched you as you slept. If only I got one more sleepover! I'd watch you all night and never want the night to be over.

But I wouldn't try to touch you, now that I know you don't like it. I'm so sorry Emily.

We don't have to be girlfriends. I just want to be friends again.
Please.

Joyful and Sad Day

2010-01-05T09:28:00.000-08:00

Joyful

I met Elina today and we cooked some fine omelette with .. seeds and .. I'm too lazy to look it up. :D It was good, that's all you need to know. We laughed a lot and I felt almost all better from just being with someone and having something to do today. The snot is still going strong, but it's not as bad. I think I'll survive this. And go to work on Thursday.

Oy, too much free time and nothing to do. Also - I could only take 3 days next week because you're not allowed to do two weekends in a row now. I hope that won't last the whole year or my pays will dwindle down to nothing again. But more free time is also a good thing - I feel like my mind has been focusing on more important stuff and there's a certain freedom and space in my mind for thinking.

Elina brought me some beautiful notebooks and I think I might want to scribble something - although I don't have much to write about now that nothing's happening. I feel like writing someone else's fake diary. It might be a fun diversion. Speaking of which, Nathan Bransford has a teen diary entry contest, only until tomorrow. I haven't yet decided if I'm participating, but I'm keeping an eye on it. Teen voice is not really my favorite, but the entries are surprisingly different.

I got my FedCon DVD with the glorious James Callis panel and we watched it together, enjoying James' animated and thoughtful replies. He's sweet, funny, humble, talented, etc. etc. I sound pathetic when I try to talk about him. When I poke him in the ribs, it sounds good to me. But when I try to express how warm I feel, it just falls flat and sounds like "fangirl babble blah di dah". Fangirls may exist all over, but I really love James Callis. Really. I'm not just a fangirl because... um... Eh...

Well the point is that I love him. A lot.

Sad

I know PostSecret is a place where people have a right to voice their private side - no matter how painful or ugly. Yet I sometimes feel hurt reading the secrets. Do I have a right to feel that way? Shouldn't it be a place to vent? But then feelings are just feelings.

Do I have a right to be hurt over this?

"Now that I've lost the weight,
fat people disgust me."

It just makes me sad and disappointed that someone who's been fat doesn't even have sympathy for us fatties. But maybe it's more self loathing or even an eating disorder - maybe it's not ME being a sad sack that no one can see as human.

Oh, also this:

"I compare my groceries with those of others in the store
and always find my choices superior."

It troubles me that both of these secrets are feelings of superiority at others, over things that really shouldn't matter to you. Why should you care what other people eat? Why should it be a matter of superiority? Why should someone's weight bother you?

How many people walk around with these thoughts and judge me? This really bothers me.

These are the feelings that always come up. I'm sub-human, I couldn't be accepted by anyone. But why are they connected with fatness? Why does it matter to me that random strangers might despise me or hate me? If they do it for such shallow reasons, let them. I don't need their approval. And yet I do.

I wish I were more grown up about this stuff. It's not normal to freak out over some random stranger hating you, right? Especially when it's not even about you? I swear every comment about fat people has hurt me more than the comments about my blogs, writing, or fangirlishness. I'm not sure why I identify as "THE fat person" and think everyone who talks about fat people is totally always talking about me.

I talked about this with my therapist. He said people might think all kinds of things of him, too. He seemed completely at ease with this idea. He also said I'm attractive and friendly and charming, and that's what others see in me. I can't believe him. But I want to.

How's my new year's resolution to NOT obsess over my weight going? Um... Well, it was going fairly well up until this point. My girlfriend can attest to this: I have been talking less about my weight. I'm getting there - slowly but surely. Every day is a winding road and all that.

The First Post of the DECADE!

2010-01-02T05:39:00.000-08:00

How exciting. Um, I'm sick again... No idea how I managed that, but if the post is short and incoherent, that's why.

This year, I resolve two things. First and foremost: TO STAY ALIVE. I will not kill myself this year. I will call the suicide hotline, call my mom, my doctor, anything. I'll do anything I can to stop it. I know it's not necessarily in my control if the depression gets bad enough, but I promise to fight it as best I can.

The second promise is that I will try to fight the weight obsession. I've had it for over ten years. Most of the time, I don't write about it because I'm so ashamed of it, and yet I end up blogging about it quite a bit. I feel really miserable about my weight and when I gain weight, I use that as an excuse to feel even more miserable. I've learned to live with this, because I thought I had no choice, but after seeing the psychologist, I feel like a lot of things could be different. So I'll set my mind to this and try to avoid thinking badly about my weight. No comparing myself to others. No mean jokes at my own expense. No self-loathing at every bite. Obviously it will be hard, but if I manage to even halve it, it might be such a relief. It's a huge burden, an obsession like that.

So those are my resolutions. I hope I can keep them and live to blog, happier and less weight-obsessed, a year from now.

Interview Me.

2009-12-30T12:57:00.000-08:00

If there's something you've been wanting to ask me, you can do it anonymously here:

http://www.formspring.me/Deniselle

I promise to answer truthfully.

Come on, ask me anything.

Home.

2009-12-28T10:42:00.000-08:00

(partially copy/pasted from LiveJournal, and those bits seem to be in grey rather than the usual font. But I'm too tired to fix it.)

Home after Christmas.

One day off, then work. I love today. No hurry to go anywhere. I can listen to music, surf the web, watch TV. I can do what I want for the first time in ... six days? Eight days? Hmm. Working for six days in a row and then the trip was five days so.. ELEVEN days? :o I'm way overdue. I do have work tomorrow and the day after, but I'm staying home for New Year's, which is bliss. I do love my cousins but their house is so far away and soo noisy. It'll be nice to just be here by myself.

And I'm SO, so glad I told my family I broke up with Marty. It's much easier to have a secret lesbian affair when you keep it secret instead of pretending it's a heterosexual affair.

I spent the first three days annoyed that I can't talk about my depression. I felt like telling Mom but I didn't. I just couldn't. I kept thinking about how I want to die and then on Saturday, my brother and I almost ran into a moose with our car. There were three of them. It could have been my death - and I realized I don't want to die after all. I don't want everything I am shut down for good. (Even if I do believe in an afterlife, it's still an end for everything down here.)

But my joy of living is a bit compromised - I felt it again at home. Too many bleak Eastern Finnish cities that all look the same. Is Tampere any different? Is life here any better than what they have? The same brands, same stores everywhere now. So little variation. I looked down the bridge today at the stream, and I must say it looks better and more hopeful to me than the ... tiny Finnish village I won't identify lest it reveal my true identity.

Ge oss en chans, vi är äldre nu (Vi ser ljuset vid tunnels slut)
Ge oss en chans, vi kan lära av varann (titta ensam stjärna)
Sagor för barn som är vuxna nu...

How about if I just sit here listing random music lyrics for no apparent reason? The music meme got me excited, but I realize I can't just list those random lyrics.. OR maybe I could create a blog called Random Lyrics, Guess The Song and then only post those and ppl can ... try to guess... *shuts up*

I'm just really tired right now and... I dunno.

Christmas went surprisingly well.

I got to see a doggy! (L)
I got to play with a baby! (L)
I got to sleep at a separate apartment away from my parents.
I got good presents.
I didn't get wayyy too mad at my parents, and only snapped at them a few times.
My brother and I laughed a lot. (Although he did seem pained at my presence on the last day, which made me a bit sad. But then he had to sleep with my parents in the house, which is nerve-wrecking. You just want silence after that.)

I was also force-fed the same food five days in a row AND GIVEN SOME WITH ME, because otherwise it would go to waste. (Why cook so much when there were only four of us to eat it?!) So it felt glorious to have a turkey-tomato-olive Sub today. It really did.

I'm really excited over my 40 euro gift certificate to a bookstore. I love books. I went there today and coveted a lot, but I need to think a bit harder about what I should buy. Basically I could afford four pocket books. That's so good. (L)!!!

Also exciting: My Futurama season 3 DVD, with lots of season 4 episodes for whatever reason. It's really random what they put on those DVDs. But whatever, it has some of my very favorite eps, like The 30 % Iron Chef and Time Keeps on Slipping.

It looks like I'm finally 200 pounds, thanks to Christmas. I need to focus less on my weight. A lot less. That, if nothing else, will be my new year's resolution. The therapist did say I should work on my self esteem and depression first and then see what, if anything, I want to do weight-wise. No one seems to care about my weight; even Mom said nothing. I feel good about that, although she might be careful bc she thinks I'm soo fat now. Then she'll formulate a "subtle" response to my weight later. Has happened before. But - we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I'm way less angry with her now, bc she was actually really nice and warm to me all thru the holidays. I enjoyed spending time with her, and wasn't even alarmed that she's coming over in February. Maturity points all around!

Music Meme

2009-12-28T10:04:00.000-08:00

(cross-posted at my LJ)

As seen at ginevra_alessa's LJ. I can't copy and paste (on LJ) so here's the idea rewritten by me:

-Open your music player.
-Put your playlist/library on random.
-Pick random lyrics out of the 20 first songs.
-Others can guess in the comments which song it is.

I've removed any Finnish-speaking songs, because I know I only have one Finnish friend here. (I listen mainly to English-speaking songs though.) Some were big hits, others are more obscure. And some are quite old too. What a mixed bunch.

1. If you're angry about the fact that it's red, I'll surrender, I'll change it to white
2. So I crawled from the twisted burning wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days.
3. Do you think I'm an animal? Am I not?
4. Sleep away and dream a dream, life is just a lullaby.
5. I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march.
6. He'll never really be, he'll never be your lover.
7. Cry cry, rocking like Janet Reno
8. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here.
9. The sleigh bells are ringing and the carollers are singing while the air raid sirens blare
10. The first day of the summer and I laze here all the day
11. I didn't wear glasses cause I thought it might rain, now I can't see anything.
12. Oh my sheet is so thin so I say I can't sleep because it's so very cold
13. My cup, she never overfloweth. And this I moan-and-groaneth.
14. Jealousy is more than a word now I understand
15. A miracle sensation, my guide and inspiration
16. in case of upheaval, fundamental movement below
17. behind crystalline irises loons can drive, where the world bleeds white
18. what I want is an explanation
19. I know any man sees you like I see
20. Outside the dawn is breaking.

Dark Times, Dark Thoughts

2009-12-20T16:04:00.000-08:00

So, um, Christmas.

I'm going to be gone from the 23rd til the 27th. We're meeting at our Mom's house in Eastern Finland, in the middle of nowhere. I suspect there'll be lots of snow, lots of cold weather and way too much food. I also suspect I'm going to lose my nerve with my family on day 2.

I will NOT have an internet connection. I'll be able to check my mobile for emails and - if it chooses to work - twitter. That's about it. I'm gonna have DT's for sure. The Internet is my place to be ME, and that's something I lose when I visit a place without a connection.

I want to blog. I want to write about James and.. and... but I'm not sure what to write. There are two possible reasons for not blogging much about him:
1) I'm thinking about him less
2) I'm thinking about him more but it feels so personal (and possibly fucked up) that it's difficult to share.

I always suspect I sound a bit nuts writing about the donuts or the autograph or whatever else. I need the donuts so badly, what with the weight obsession. When it's just the thing with James helping me feel less depressed, I have no problem writing about it. That's probably delightful to him if he reads; I'd love to hear I've helped someone get over depression. But the thing with the donuts is so random and small to James.He barely ever talks about his weight and it seems like something he'll relate as a funny self-deprecating memory, not some big epiphany that it's ok to eat donuts. He's not fat and most people who aren't fat (or eating disordered) probably haven't done all that much thinking of the issue. He might be surprised, annoyed or even freaked out at how much it's come to mean to me. I usually write about the donuts jokingly, as just a fat fetish thing, so I don't feel quite as nervous about that. If I were to write about it from a more psychological viewpoint... I'm not sure if anyone could understand that, or relate to that, or... I don't know. I'm writing about it now, I guess. But I'm pretty sure James doesn't read this journal. And this is a personal diary, not a tribute blog. But where does the line go? Half the time, I feel the blog is my personal fan diary. The personal and the shared fandom overlap so much. But I don't think anyone else feels this way about the donuts.

I'm also a bit more depressed lately. It might just be the darkness; tomorrow is the darkest day of the year. Maybe things will be OK after it starts getting lighter. I'm pondering on the possibility of eating disorders again though, but... self-diagnosing never leads to anything good. I might have to cough up the money for therapy somehow.

I tried chewing and spitting out food, but I might have only done it because I was watching an Intervention episode with a bulimic who did that. I sometimes feel a desire to be bulimic, maybe because I'd have a name for the weight obsession and everything it does to me. But I always feel the physical symptoms aren't really genuine, I'm just doing them knowingly, going thru the motions. I can't make myself really throw up, and if I've eaten my stomach full, I have no desire to binge. I just hate feeling STUFFED and hating myself. Spitting is not disgusting like vomiting; it's not as difficult to do; it's not as harmful on the long term and it'd be easier to live with. It's not a way to lose weight, since you do ingest some of the food as soon as it's in your mouth; it'd be expensive to binge (I went thru a whole pack of salami yesterday, mostly spat out). There's a relief in not feeling stuffed and a joy in eating a huge amount of food. But am I posing or am I doing it for real? If it's for real - can anyone really help me?

My girlfriend was really worried and supportive. She seemed unsure what to do or what to tell me, but she's there for me and she really cares. That means so much to me. What we have... I don't know what I'd do without it. She keeps me going.

Since I'm venting... I have a very weird coworker - hmm, sounds familiar doesn't it? There are few people at the job who are NOT weird. This one seems to think we're best buddies, and I don't really feel it. She's... simple, I think. It's complicated. She has a physical disability of some kind so she walks with dfficulty. This is not a problem for me, although I guess it does make me pity her a bit more. I can see she's in pain and has trouble moving, so I don't particularly want to be rejecting. But the way she behaves is... childlike in a bad way. She's very clingy and I hate clingy people. If someone insists on getting too close too soon, I immediately want to pull back. I'm trying to be a bit more distant now, because I just can't handle it.

There's nothing we can really talk about, because we don't have anything in common other than the job. Seeing her multiple times a week is exhausting, when I get enough of her on just one meeting. She has no grasp of hygiene. She'll eat chicken with her fingers at the computer, and won't wash her hands before or after. She'll keep a yoghurt in her bag for 5 hours and then eat it, unrefrigerated. Her shirts have holes and stains on them. It's disgusting. Also, she either has really bad short term memory or never listens to people. She keeps asking the same questions over and over and telling you the same things over and over. (Usually what days she's working this week or how many interviews she's done so far, as if I even need to know that stuff.)

One of her issues is that she can't handle money. She's had her phone shut down at least twice, has rents due and yet she'll go to concerts multiple times a month and all that. In a fit of pity, when she seemed to have it really rough, I loaned her forty euros. That was two months ago and she's paid me back ten euros (five euros at a time) and seemed really proud of it. Then I received an sms from her saying that she needs 10 euros of phone time and could I get her a prepaid card for that amount? She'll pay me back.

So... I dunno. I'm just stunned someone can act like this. I sent her a brief, hopefully curt sms saying I can't afford that right now. And I really can't, but I hope she gets the hint that I also don't WANT to.

If I knew for a fact that she was in financial trouble NOT brought on by overspending, or that she's going to use the money on something she really needs... But I feel like at this point, giving her money is just making her problem worse. I hope she realizes that she can get evicted if she doesn't pay the rents. I hope she has someone close to her taking care of her but I JUST CAN'T DEAL WITH HER ANYMORE.

If someone can think of some good way I could actually HELP her without being pushy and condescending, please let me know.

What Makes Me Happy Today

2009-12-17T15:07:00.001-08:00

These apple wedges have been nibbled at considerably by my snails! A huge hit, I'm definitely putting in apple again.

You can hear a faint crunching noise when a snail bites into an apple. It sounds like a person eating it, only quieter. (L)!!!

Other than that, suffering from night-time anxiety and difficulty sleeping. Hope I can make it til Christmas. Five days of work left. It'll probably keep me going rather than wear me out; work has a way of making me go out and do something, and that's good at the state I'm in.

Also: Xanor is my friend. And the snails. I feel wholesome just watching them live in my house and eat my food. Little creatures that depend on me! (L)

A Fat Rant

2009-12-15T12:17:00.001-08:00

FYI of the day:

A sentence that begins with "it's ok to be fat, but..."

means "It's NOT OK to be fat."

It annoys me to no end when people do this. Just now on a Finnish site, people were talking about women's clothes. It somehow turned into an "it's your own fault if you can't fit into clothes" convo. "You can be fat if you want, but don't go complaining if you can't fit into clothes" was posted. It doesn't make a lot of sense when you think about it - it's not a question of your size but of the clothes' sizes so um, just make bigger clothes please?

Someone even drew out the old favorite "You can't demand me to find fat women attractive!" When has anyone ever tried to force men to find fat women attractive? The only criticism there ever has been is about behavior. If you can't stand to be near a fat woman or you call her names, you're not being a gentleman. Beyond that, believe it or not, but nobody really cares who you find attractive.

And they say fat people make excuses.

Smoking: Not So Great.

2009-12-15T09:01:00.000-08:00

So I tried smoking. Wasn't all that great. I'm not really sure why I did it; I've had some deep ponderings about this, and maybe it was to escape the weight obsession into a possible addiction. like fighting the smoking addiction could help me feel better about myself or my weight. I don't know, it was a dumb idea. The smoking just made me cough a lot of thick phlegm up for hours after the cigarette.

But there's a certain attraction to smoking - and it's not just that James does it. I just can't put my finger on it.

I happened to mention it to my Mom. (Not sure what I would have said, had I become addicted and had to smoke in front of her on Christmas.)

Mom: Where did you smoke?!

Me: In the balcony..

Mom: At home?!!

Me: Yes, where else..?

Mom: WHY?!

Me: I just wanted to try it! You have to try everything...

Mom: No, you don't! You don't have to try negative things.

Me: Who says it's negative?

Mom: Smoking IS negative! Nothing positive will come out of that!

Me: Well, yes, but some people do it so it must be somehow positive...

Mom: (laughs, but still sounds shocked) You're so sick all over anyway, constantly. You do not need this! (<-possibly true.)

That was basically everyone's reaction to it. There must be people who wouldn't tell you to not start, right? Or is smoking universally hated?

Mom's "you don't have to try negative things" is typical of her thinking: there are good and bad things, and you just don't do the bad things. it's not necessarily a bad thing when it comes to smoking and drugs, but she thinks the same of drinking even sometimes. I doubt she's ever tried smoking herself. Is it good because it keeps her safe, or bad because it makes her judgemental when others try it?

So that's of smoking. I think I was addicted to the idea that I could be addicted to something, oo. I can't stop watching Intervention episodes on Youtube. I'm not sure why.

So Much Fun.

2009-12-14T08:21:00.001-08:00

I'm taking the risk that these photos rae funny only to Elina and myself, but come on, look how much fun we had today!

Mostly Cute Links.

2009-11-24T06:59:00.000-08:00

I'm mentally prepared to have swine flu, so if I don't get that fever, I think I wll be disappointed. :D

I'm getting a terrible headache tho, so maybe that's the beginning. Work tomorrow unless this gets worse, so we'll see.

Unbearably cute pix of the week:
Rat on a cat.
The sloth gets a health exam.
A sloth recently washed. (note the soap suds)
Baby Sloth loves his teddy.
The sloth clings to the chest hair. (This reminded me of James, of course.)
A friendly hello. (The sloth is getting weighed, I think it's trying to cling to the nurse's hand.)

Cat Tongue

2009-11-23T04:25:00.001-08:00

The cat tongue. It's like a brush!

It has little brush-like picks that go up when they lick. No wonder it keeps their hair clean - and feels coarse when they lick!

Two pictures:
tabby
white cat

Cute and educational!

Also: a cat with a house mouse. Gotta love Wikipedia captions. (And I did not find any information on the tongue on Wikipedia. Why so?)

Possible Swine Flu (And Other Quick Thoughts)

2009-11-22T15:33:00.000-08:00

(I have a few drafts that I may or may not post later, but for now, this is mostly a cross-post with the LJ)

I've been in contact with someone who has the swine flu. That was four days ago. Today I have a sore throat. So it's possible I have it now. I'm not too worried about dying or going to the hospital, since I have no problems breathing usually. My cousin's a nurse, so I can consult her if push comes to shove. But:

In case you haven't noticed, I became a cranky child when ill. I WHINE. A lot. You have been warned. I might whine here and on twitter and everywhere, and send you whiny PM's if we know each other well enough. I'm no hero when it comes to pain and suffering. And usually, I'm aware of how annoying I'm being, but whine anyway because I'm so self-pitious.

So that's just in case. Other than that, met Elina today and had a lot of fun talking dirty, mostly about James. We went to McDonald's but they were blasting Big Brother - which apparently all the employees were watching - so we went to Hesburger instead. Both burger chains got equal attention, although we did spend a little more money at Hesburger, so go Finland! I feel envigorated and happy after talking to Elina.

My birthday was on Thursday. I decided to spend it alone, going to an art exhibit and enjoying good food. It all worked out well. I had a slight anxiety attack, but I was able to battle it. The best part was that I discovered a Futurama episode I hadn't seen before, and my girlfriend and I watched it. Lots of Zoidberg and Zapp Brannigan = FUN. So now I'm 30 and you can all enjoy my great wisdom and life experience. Ahem. I do hope you treat me with the respect I deserve.

I had a great trip to my friend's house where I met the dog last weekend. Much doggy love and new pictures, but I won't post any for now, because I'm too tired to go through them. The dog welcomed me with open arms and wet tongue, and generally fussed over my being there, so I felt loved. It was a good trip, although I did still have anxiety and suicide thoughts. I need to see the doctor again. But I had forgotten how refreshing it can be to be in a new place, go to sleep somewhere other than home and all that. I should get out more often.

I feel like the Baltarstar Blog is kind of hibernating with the winter. I don't have a lot of energy for blogging right now. But Starfury begins next Friday and James is there - so I'm hoping there'll be some fun reports (Nicole? :)) I wonder if his hair is still really short. And if he'll have gained any weight (slurp). (I know, I'm a pervert) My problem after the autograph is that I don't want to write about anything but the autograph, but how interesting is that to anyone else after two months? I thnk that, a year from now, I will be close-reading his autograph pixel by pixel.

A couple of cute pictures of our small, kind man re: last year's Starfury here and here. His hair was very nice but I'm not sure about that vest... It doesn't look so great in closeups.

I've been drinking more often lately. It's only one bottle of cider at a time, so that's not worrisome, but since I used to almost never drink, it feels a bit odd that it's 2-3 times a week now. And I always get drunk, since I'm so sensitive to alcohol somehow. I realized I like myself more when I'm drunk, and it helps me relax. These are not necessarily good things. I might want to not drink for a while. Depression+alcohol isn't always a very good combination.

In case I'm well next week, I need to get some things done, so I will write the list here to better motivate myself.
-Get a doctor's appointment (re: depression relapse, dizziness issues)
-Get a dentist's appointment (wisdom teeth coward)
-Send away my translation samples + applications to publishing houses (translation coward)
-Figure out what to do about a friend who's been kind of on hold the whole year (we have some issues but... I don't really know what to do)

Tired...

2009-11-11T15:14:00.000-08:00

So much for NaBloPoMo.I think I officially won't be doing it, because the month is pretty far gone. I won't be home for the weekend, so I probably won't be blogging much in the next few days. But at least I did manage to make SOME posts this month. Yay for that!

Tired. It gets dark at about 4 PM now, I noticed going into work. But: we have a bit of snow! Very nice.

Unusually working the beginning of the week and have the weekend off for a trip. I'm really bored at work. Really, really bored. So bored I could barely keep my eyes open. But it's the darkness, I think. Lots of Coke and chocolates are applied to keep me awake, but it doesn't always help.

I've had a rollercoaster week emotionally, and it's only Wednesday. Fat hate makes me depressed, but how common is it? Can I trust people that they'll see me as a person, not just a big fatty? And if they do see me as a big fatty, do I still have a right to live and accept myself?

Got some reinforcement from M in a chat and feel a bit better. Had a dream about being supersized, or at least friends with a supersized person - it's a bit foggy. I realized at work, though, that this coworker I've been talking to is about twice my size. So maybe I am friends with a supersized person? I just don't think of her as that outlandishly fat, because I talk to her all the time and know her as a person.

I was going to post this bucket list for "Things to do before I'm 40". I will be 30 in about exactly one week - November 19th - and am almost feeling happy about it. Almost.

Things I want to do before I turn 40
-write a novel and offer it to a publisher
-get together with Mary, as in physically in the same country (at her pace. She might not be able to move out of the house for college, which complicates things, but I can wait.)
-find peace of mind (especially about weight issues)
-become financially independent (meaning that my parents wouldn't have to help out)
-visit other countries and possibly move abroad
-meet James Callis at least once (come to Finland, James! I'm poor!)
-figure out what I want to do with my life (although I'm not sure if anyone has this one figured out!)

A pretty good list. On the short term: get to my friend's house, spend quality time with her dog, then come back and celebrate my birthday next week with as little angsting as possible. Xanax and meditation techniques will be applied when needed. And most importantly, NOT KILL MYSELF. I've lived to be 30 and I will live 30 more years! At least.

It'll be fine. Everything will work out like it always has. I'll get to my goals, and have a lot of joyful days in between. I'm not scared.

Week Roundup

2009-11-08T11:17:00.001-08:00

I LOVE TWIN PEAKS, and I especially love this scene. It's the final scene of the show, but no spoilers (it makes more sense if you know the characters, but only marginally). One of the best dreamlike scenes on TV. The music, the lights, the way they speak - they spoke backwards and it was then reversed - the movements... I love the little touch of the coffee that goes solid and then liquid again. My dreams often have people staring at me and smiling/laughing creepily, so it feels even all the more dreamlike.

I'm not sure how much sense it makes to anyone, and what kind of analyses you can make of it, but what I love is the atmosphere. I wonder if David Lynch wants his films and show to be understood or just felt. I'm doing the latter, at any rate.

Link love: eema-le is also doing NaBloPoMo and seems to be keeping up better than myself. She's crafty and makes a lot of clothes herself, which is always impressive. Her husband is growing a moustache to raise money for men's health, so check that out. I love seeing pictures of her daughter Charlotte, what a little cutie. (L)! Sometimes seeing a happy child's face can cheer you up. (This doesn't mean I'm having children tho!)

My Life:
The day at work felt endless, like it often does on a Sunday. It was Father's Day, but I'm impressed that no one yelled at me because of it. I did have a few polite "we're celebrating father's day, so call another day" people, and one snippy "Oh, I thought you were making a survey on Father's Day!" guy, but no one yelled, cursed or called me names. People are surprisingly nice to gallup interviewers. I was tired because I hadn't eaten much. Slept in, then my stomach refused the lunch I had prepared - a microwave steak meal; pretty heavy, coming to think of it - and I missed the bus. I thought I'd get something at a store, but thanks to Father's Day, no stores were open. So I just drank a lot of Coke and ate the banana and lollipop I had in my bag. I suspect I was very hyper at wrok and kept talking way too much to the coworkers next to me, but it was fun. One of the fun people was sitting next to me, so it was nice.

It was misty - unusual here, and the mist was unusually strong. I said that, like in the movie The Mist, some evil monsters are going to come, giant flies will splat into the windows, we'll be stung to death, etc. The others guffawed at me. "When the giant bugs come, you will believe me!" I said. "Yeah, we'll leave it til then," said the coworker. The bugs didn't show up, and then the fog cleared, so maybe it wasn't really like that movie. Also I hated that movie.

We also gossiped. That was great. There's this other coworker, we'll call her... Phyllis. OK, Phyllis. That's nothing like her real name. We made fun of her. It was nice to find someone who also dislikes Phyllis. I don't usually go around gossiping about people, but when someone's such an annoying ... dare I say narcissist? ... it feels good to let out some steam.

Phyllis is unbearable. She has this smile constantly plastered onto her face. She walks around telling people facts she's read online, or tries to emphasize how different she is from other people. Basically everything she says is an attempt to get attention. It's really irritating. She wore shorts long until the fall and also has a habit of getting out the sandals as soon as we hit plus degrees in March. She typically starts a conversation with a longggg sigh, or a statement like "I knew saunas were unsafe!" Something she thinks you have to react to. Or she points out how different she is.

The ways in which she is supposedly different:
-she hates skirts and shears her head to almost complete baldness each year
-she buys men's shirts, several at a time, at discount sales
-she gets up in the afternoon (with the alarm clock) and stays up late (I happen to do the same, but she wouldn't care enough to ask)
-she swims and wears T-shirt long until the fall and thinks others are silly for bundling up (I'm sure she'd be pissed off if we all were like her though, because then she wouldn't be different)

Some of her other opinions (not sure if she really thinks like this or just says these things to shock people)
-children are yucky and getting pregnant is stupid, because you're just setting yourself up for complications
-laptops are an "ergonomic disaster" and she'd never use one as the main computer. They were not meant for constant use!!!
-Finnish Christmas food is unbearable and not something humans can eat
-Saunas are hot traps that no sane person will go into
-People who don't agree with her are "slaves to advertising"

The coworker I sat next to today said she's tried to argue with Phyllis when she disagrees. I never try that. I just nod sheepishly and try to get out of the room. The problem is, she often follows until she's told you all she had planned. I do believe she plans these conversations and has the same one with multiple people on the same day.

I feel mean talking about this, but I also enjoy it, so... right or wrong... right. Whatever.

Depression update. Um, a bit better, I think. I've been tired and a bit on and off anxious, but also a lot of joyful thoughts have gotten in. I'm looking forward to my trip to Turku next week. I'm meeting a friend and her dog (L) (L). I'm really looking forward to seeing the dog again.
Sometimes I just miss doggy closeness. The snails are adorable, but not very furry companions.

I'm thinking of the autograph again. (If you just tuned in, I mean this.) "So sorry to miss you". Could he really mean that? It could be "wish you were here" or "see you next time" or "too bad you couldn't make it", or nothing at all about my not being there. He sounds almost... genuinely sad I wasn't there? At any rate, he seems to understand how important it was for me that he'd sound appreciative. It's a great act of kindness.

Sniff! OH, James!!! (L)

My Weight
Gained more weight. I'm now back at 88 kg/ 195 lbs. I haven't weighed this much in many years. It might be a weight my body isn't particularly comfortable at and will happily shed with any extra exercise, like it did last time. Or it might be a new setpoint where I'm going to stay. I am 30 now, after all. (Technically not until the 19th, but still.) Or it might not matter if I can lose the weight back or not, it just is. I don't feel particularly heavy or uncomfortable, just very pudgy. But maybe that feeling will go away after a while. My best bra finally won the battle against my left boob today, though. I just cannot get it into the cup. The left one is bigger and therefore has trouble jamming itself into the bra cups.

I feel down about the weight gain, but there are things holding me up. God and Mary are holding me up. My friends who accept me are there too. And so is HeadJames - or even RealJames with his autograph. I feel a lot of support for my self esteem. I'm not counting my parents, because Mom isn't usually OK with my weight gain and I'm already a bit nervous about her possible reaction.

I'm kind of glad it's not the only thing I'm thinking of right now. I wrote so much about everything else. Maybe that's a sign of healing or at least a change in prioritizing. I really want to think less about my weight, even in times of gain.

2009-11-07T09:33:00.000-08:00

I named 43 US states in 10 minutes

Quiz time! I'm pretty impressed with how I did.

Yeah, the NaBloPoMo thing didn't really work out it seems. But I'm PoMoDa (posting on most days) or at least PoFeDaWe (posting a few days a week) or... whatever, the abbreviations are stupid either way. The point is I AM blogging here again, and it feels pretty good!

Quick rundown of the last few days.

Good:
-Daddy visited: got a new microwave oven and 80+ euros of money :) plus groceries. No worries now if I get swine flu.

-Futurama + girlfriend. (Not in that order)

-Sent Daddy a father's day card, for once in time. He got it yesterday, and although he didn't seem super impressed in person, Mom said he had read my poem to her and was very happy about the card. The poem and card were extra cheesy this year, but maybe that's just good.

-Mom and Dad gave me the microwave as a 30th birthday present. They seem kinda psyched about my birthday. More so than me.

-I know it's been almost two months, but I'm still excited about James' autograph and feel like he appreciates me. (L) So I am happy, fandom wise.

Bad:
-Trouble sleeping. Tossing, turning and listing US states in my head. (I know a lot of the states tho! I'm impressed.)

-A friend sent me an email about how she hates pop psychology/Dr Phil/medicalisation and this apparently means suicidal thoughts can't be the sign of a chemical imbalance in the brain. Or something. She was kinda rude and I know she meant well, so no idea what to tell her.

I'd best just post this and see more later. Maybe I should give up on "quantity over quality" posts and just post whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like it.

The Scary Door

2009-11-04T08:20:00.000-08:00

More later, just laughing at Futurama's "The Scary Door" (apparently a Twilight Zone parody). These are three intros for it I found on Youtube. I love the random objects flying in space: a man shampooing his hair, a dachshund in a bottle, a burning hamburger, etc. The actual Scary Door stories were really good too, but they don't seem to be on Youtube sadly.

2009-11-03T07:08:00.001-08:00

Managed to sleep til 3PM. How did I manage to sleep til 3 PM? Someone called at 10:20 AM from a 017 number, which means the county my mother lives in. I got panicky thinking Mom's in the hospital, possibly dying, but then I fell back to sleep and had significant trouble waking up. I picked up the phone about ten times, and each time it turned out to be a dream. One time, I even talked to Mom. She was behind the curtains I have next to my bed, saying, "I don't know if I can hold on much longer... I need to go," and I said "Please don't go yet, Mom, we need you" and held her hand and cried. Very touching. Then I was on the highway driving to my Mom's, even if I don't own a car in real life.

But when I finally woke up at like noon, and got my hands around the telephone, the number turned out to be from a telemarketer. That's what I conclude from the very hasty answering machine message they give you when you call them back. Great.

I then fell asleep again and had trouble waking up again. I went to bed at 3 AM, so I slept 12 hours. I had a headache and nausea when I fell asleep, and I have headache and nausea still. I don't know why. Too much computer? Too much cider last night? Too much anxiety? Trying to rest and be calm, but it's making me nervous that I feel so ill.

Snail update! Let's see what they're up to. -Apparently nothing, just displaying their ability to look like little rocks. After yesterday's feast, they're probably digesting and sleeping. Come on guys, stop being so boring! I have nothing to write about anyway.

Later

I see that one of the snails has moved out of its shell and is perusing the ceiling with long eyes. Spraying the tank always gets the snails moving. It's amusing how they try to save up water by staying in their shells in dry times. That's what keeps them alive over the winter even in this climate.

Despite the headache, I'm trying to focus on reading, so I'd get in the mood for translating. I need to get a hold of my days, start a project, something. I did wash the laundry, but that's not enough.

Made a very scientific post on James Callis' bum, and feel amused at myself. Heh heh, bum!

Still later
I'm still really tired. I think i should just rest today. I've taken to namelisting - my list for tv character names from the US is doing pretty well. I should post results sometime soon.

I'm more into names lately, so I might revive my name blog. I enjoyed writing it and think the posts look pretty good, but somehow I just lost energy for it. It might be because it took a while to research the Finnish names and their origins and popularity over the years, and I just get lazy that way.

Much later
I dunno. I'm watching Blossom season 5, which I don't think ever aired in Finland. I don't even like the show - or do I? It's not as lame as it could be. I like the character of Blossom and some of the themes explored on the show. Is that bad?

Why is it that I watch the show and there's a little girl and I'm suddenly thinking: what if she got fat and her whole family treated her like a different person? Like there's the REAL girl and the FAT girl as two separate people, and you need to have a different view on them?

I suddenly feel very bitter. I feel unappreciated and disappointed in my family. The feeling comes up sometimes, usually without any apparent reason. Is it too much to ask that they'd love me the same way they did when I was growing up and NOT make remarks? Is it too much to ask that they could maybe even see what this means to me? They wouldn't have to agree. All they'd need to do is step out of their own frame of mind and see it thru MY eyes for a change. See how much I've had to sacrifice to stay fat, how much work it takes to try to accept yourself and deal with the real issues instead of dieting my life away. I want them to see that. I want them to appreciate that. I want it to mean something to them, just because it means something to me. Why is that so bad?

Sometimes I wonder if I'd feel differently if I were a mother. Maybe I'd see and feel what kind of love runs through you when you first lay eyes on your baby. Maybe I'd know that underneath any disappointment there's still love and wanting the best for me. Maybe I'd forgive them for all that. Or maybe not? Not everyone who's a mother gets along with their mother. Not everyone has forgiven.

It says something really ugly about being human if even your own family can't see you as the same person after you get fat. Or maybe I read too much into the comments and jokes, because it means so much to me? Sometimes I feel scared that the mass media is right and the vast majority of people can never accept a fat person like they'd accept a slim person. Like there are people who are just fundamentally unacceptable, and I'm one of them.

I know these feelings probably come from being bullied at school, or being in the hospital, or whatever. But what if they're true? What if, not all, but a large number of people just are cold and judgemental and will only love you if you're slim? What if you can't go out on the street without someone laughing at you, and that's your whole life? Is that kind of life still worth living, even if there's a lot of joy?

Well, it's midnight, so I guess that's the NaBloPoMo of the day. I'm not happy with how my thoughts turned virtually for no reason at all. But all in all, it was a good day.

2009-11-02T12:10:00.001-08:00

Mama cat rescues baby cat.

I love how there seems to be no threat at all, yet the mother is instantly alert and bends her ear in all possible directions. She even gives the camera an angry glare. (L)!!!

Video by sdlvs, taken from here.

Credit Card Debt

2009-11-02T07:10:00.000-08:00

Oh dear. I got my credit card bill for last month and it's 390 euros. Plus I finally got my new secret code - because I had lost the old one - and could check the realtime situation on a cash machine downtown. I owe them 470 euros in total. But 530 still left before I reach the credit limit.

So. Um. I guess I'm going to have to be a bit more thrifty these coming months. I did go into a full-on panic/guilt/terror at first, but it's not something you have to pay all at once, and it's about 100 euros per week, which is a lot but not unthinkable. I did buy Jenny Berggren's book, and a few other books. And I ate out a few times too many. But those are my only crimes, the rest is just going toa store before work and being too tired/anxious to really think about what I'm buying. I think it can all still be saved.

Rules:
-No more books
-No more pretty diaries (this is a real problem for me. I bought four last month!)
-No DVD buying/renting
-No expensive meals (too often, that is)
-Buying cheaper groceries and not too much at a time (found rotten plums in the kitchen again)
-THINK BEFORE YOU BUY ANYTHING

So suddenly I feel all better. I feel like I can forgive myself for the overspending. I'm only human, after all.

Took a happy little autumn walk. At 4:30 PM, it was already almost dark. It felt like a ceiling had been rolled onto the sky and we were indoors all of a sudden. The duck pond has frozen over, which surprised me - it's not super cold yet. But the ducks were there, on the other side where the water flows. They started to trot towards me when they saw me, so I had to walk away. They always expect to get some treats, poor things. But I did get to see them flying over me twice, letting out hilarious "quack quack quack" noises. I love those noises. I don't know why they make them when they're flying. To warn incoming birds? To tell others they're going out for a while? To suggest where to go for dinner? I love ducks.

I realize I haven't linked to cute animal pictures in ages, so:
Male mallard duck mid-flight.
A mother mallard commanding her eerily identical ducklings.
Amusing face. The top of the head is so tiny - what kind of little brain do you have in there? (L)
Hmmm? Neck-stretching contest or treats off-camera?

Had trouble falling asleep last night. I felt oddly anxious and restless, and tried to list US states in my mind, since I'm getting tired of listing human anmes (I've been doing this for a while to fall asleep, but sometimes it gets old). Alabama. Alaska. Arkansas. Arizona. Kansas. Kentucky? Is that a state? California. Florida. Tennessee? Mississippi? Missouri? Are these all states or rivers? Michigan. Minnesota. Illinois. Indiana. Dakota? New Mexico. New Jersey. New York. Washington. I got to 35, but I'm not sure if they're all states. My state of mind was still the same.

I checked my mobile for emails, and had received a very kind message to the previous post, so that made me feel a bit better. I thought about being fatter and not hating myself. I thought about James and the autograph. I felt calmer. I fell asleep.

First o' November

2009-11-01T11:19:00.000-08:00

It's National Blog Posting Month, so maybe I'll try to blog every day even if I'm not "national" in the sense of American. I feel bad for blogging less here, it got to a good start and then nothing. But that's just how it goes with me. I get into projects and then drop them. I've at least been writing an actual physical diary daily lately, which surprises me. It's probably helpful for my feelings and recovery and all that. But I do want people to read what I've written too. So um, I'll try to blog every day but I probably won't. Still, here's a post! Yay for that!

I have been posting more than I thought at my LiveJournal. So you might want to check there if you should miss me. Maybe the problem is that I made this into a therapy jouranl and now only write when I can delve into my emotions enough. I should write more cheerful, brief posts here as well.

I must admit, though, that I'm having a relapse to depression the last few weeks. It's ... pretty bad. Thinking of suicide bad. I don't know what brought it on. Things were going well in September, but the latter part of October was bad. Nothing in particular happened; I was happy and energetic, nervous and then ecstatic about the autograph... but then it kind of... started to get darker again.

Part of it is probably that it is darker again. It gets dark around 5 PM now, and it's only going to get darker for the next six or so weeks. The autumn has been sunny so far, not too much rain and clouds, but the darkness falls so quickly and evening feels like night.

But it's also the good old "haven't achieved anything". I'm going to be 30 on the 19th. I feel old and failed. I'm not sure why it makes me feel this way, since I've never been one for achievements. Or have I? Am I in fact a perfectionist? I don't mind the idea of being old... one day, when I've written books and become incredibly famous or at least well-known and respected in certain circles. When I'm old, I will walk around the seaside like Tove Jansson and talk about my literature. And... I'm beginning to feel that wont' come. The adulthood where I live in a gigantic loft apartment writing for a living sure hasn't arrived yet. I wish I got a little glimpse of my future, if the future is good. A little hope: you will be with Mary. You will be a writer. You will be happy. You will be healthy. You will love yourself.

The thing is... I think I need to justify my right to exist by being something great artistically. If I don't get that, my life is not acceptable. So in a sense, my life is not acceptable yet, but only after I write something great. And if I never write something great, I will never be acceptable, and I have no right to live. I guess with each passing year, a part of my mind makes a note of "xx years old and still nothing". It's a terrible thought and I should be working against it... I am, right? I am doing my best? Tell me it's just a normal temporary setback.

I've started to buy things on the credit card and must have about 200 there now. I can't pay it all at once. So I am in credit card debt for the first time in my life. I feel terrible about it, but it's not a lot of money, and I'm sure things will get better... I think... I can't stop eating, I wanted to gain 4-6 pounds just for fun and feeling alive. I gained ten and am still gaining and hate myself over it. I'm not sure why I hate myself over four pounds; it doesn't seem very logical. But I do. I feel hopelessly fat. It doesn't go with my newfound confidence that people don't consider me soo fat. That's how I learned to think in therapy - but surely now with these ten pounds, that's all gone? People now consider me really fat and a disgrace and I should be ashamed of myself. (I'm trying to talk myself into seeing how stupid this is.)

I'm a terrible fat acceptance person. And I haven't restarted my new fat acceptance blog because I just can't wrap my head around it, and it's been almost a year. Maybe I won't return to FA after all. I'm not really sure. I'm not a very political person. It's not that my views have changed; its' more that I feel the "community" took a lot of effort to keep up, it took a lot of energy I can't spare, there were trolls and fights. Sometimes a political commitment can feel like a burden. I do respect and admire many of the more hard-working bloggers in the community, but at least right now, I don't have the energy to follow their example.

At least the Baltarstar Blog is doing well. I'm getting 10,000 views today. Got 9,999 while I'm writing this. It's so strange. It's been a bit over a year since I started it, and I'm still puzzled over the success it's been. Of course, I see plenty of flaws with th blog, but I'm proud of it too. Maybe genuine obsession is just fascinating to read about? Or maybe I'm not the only one obsessed with James?

Just adding this as a memory:

The Baltarstar Blog Site Summary

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First of October...

2009-10-01T03:51:00.000-07:00

So it's October. It gets dark at 8 PM and the temperature is about 6 degrees today. Brrr. Oh well. I'm not particularly sad over the fall coming, because frankly I like fall, I always have. What I worry about is the darkness - two more months and it'll get dark at 2 PM. Last year, it was horrible. But this year I have meds, so maybe it will be better. I enjoy the brisk air though, and the feeling of energy and enterprise when I get to work. Even if I hate my job, there's something positive about having one.

Looks like I'm starting on the book translation soon then. :) I'm eager to get to work, but also a bit nervous. It's a good thing though, and something I definitely want to do. Real Work! Do I really want to be a translator? I don't know. Maybe not. But I'll see how it feels, and I really need the extra cash, so full steam ahead!

I'll be 30 in less than two months. Not so excited over that, but what can you do? In a way, I wish I were 20 again, so I could start over and either study something else or get my studies done sooner and then get a job. But I'm also happy about everything I've learned in the last ten years. I guess life always feels like that. At 40, I'll probably wish I could go back to 30 and do certain things over. I'll try to focus on what I can do today, because that's the only time I can really change.

The last therapy session was beautiful. The therapist hugged me for a long time at the end. I miss him and talking about stuff, it really helped me. I feel like I should have started where it ended, because I feel ready to deal with some issues now, but you only get so many visits. However, lots of progress since I started therapy.
-I'm more trusting and dare talk to people more. (A vast improvement especially at work.)

-I'm kinder to myself. (On and off, but I'm at least striving to be kind and let myself off the hook sometimes.

-I still feel inferior, but I question the feeling more and more. I've started to think that others feel inferior at times too.

-I'm not as focused on my weight. (I am still focused on it, truth be told, but it's not as distracting.)

The therapist was a loving presence in my life, and I still feel him watching me with loving, accepting eyes. I feel the same about James Callis, so maybe that's two loving presences there, helping me get better. Since I got James' autograph, I've felt tender and open, seen and loved. I feel at peace with myself in some way.

Posted last night at Deniselle's Droolateria, so I'll just be lazy and copy it:

Feel like posting, but not like making a coherent post. So maybe just some bulletin points.

-Slept badly due to either inner ear crap or shoulder tension crap. Woke up feeling dizzy and awful, stayed up two hours reading and trying to focus on the book. I did sleep after that, but the whole day has felt hazy and tired. I don't really feel like today is "reality", but at least that made for a calmer-than-usual work day. The first out of five days is done again. And I booked five days next week too. Blah. I was going to say Thursday til Sunday, and I said Wednesday til Sunday. But it's rent pay, and that's always a big deal. So maybe it's all good. Work wasn't TOO bad today and maybe it won't be too bad tomorrow either.

-On the plus side, I can't be unhappy because I feel SEEN and LOVED by JAMES. OMG my autograph. OMG! (L) (L) Did I mention I can feel the dents of the letters? I did? Did I mention he wrote "lots and lots of love always"? I did? I think I've mentioned everything at least a couple of times. I feel like my HeadJames is there, with me at all times, just watching me lovingly. I don't care if it sounds insane. *gush frolick love*

-What's James' middle name? Is it something really embarrassing like Gengulphus or Deuteronomy? Or maybe he doesn't even have one? This bugs me a lot.

-Roman Polanski raped a 13-year-old and fled the country. He deserves to be jailed. What is there to discuss or defend? It doesn't take away from his art, and maybe the world has benefited from him being on the run and making movies. But when Whoopi Goldberg starts to make distinctions between "rape" and "rape-rape"... I don't even know. This makes me angry. I'd like to know what the logic is here - why is it acceptable when it's Polanski or Woody Allen, but unacceptable when it's Michael Jackson?

-I put in some water for my snails, but they don't seem to know what to do with it. I keep putting their heads in water like "there, stupid", and although they drink the water then, they don't seem to realize that you can put your head down and just drink yourself. It's a tab - tap? - from an orange juice bottle, so I hope it's not too acidic still. It's always frustrating to tend to the snails after getting some doggy/kitty time. They're just so... blank. I don't know what, if anything, they're thinking or feeling, and I can't tell them apart. But they do amuse and fascinate me in some way. Sometimes I feel like I'm not a pet owner but the keeper of some kind of lab of test animals. I'm just OBSERVING them. Is this normal?

-I need to wean myself off Tetris, or at least cut down considerably. I'm quite sure it's responsible for the sad state of my shoulders. Instead of Tetris: stretches! They're fun because, umm. Well, fun or otherwise, I'm frakking doing them!

-I feel like I'm gaining weight again, but I'll try to be gentle with myself. I'm not bad. I'm good. Nobody cares about my weight. Eating is not a moral issue. (To be repeated until I actually believe it)

-James cannot hear me if I talk to the autograph. James cannot hear me if I talk to the autograph. (see above)

-I'm sure this doesn't interest very many people, but my "normal" temperature seems to be 36.4 Celcius. It's weird to think that my body has a mean temperature. (Just got a new thermometer and am measuring my temperature just to try it out.)

-My brain protests to the word "mean", but I'm sure it's right in this context? Actually I'm not sure at all.

-I just showed off one of my snails to the autograph. I think I need a reality check. IT'S JUST A PIECE OF PAPER, dammit. Not some magical link between me and James. (ALthough - how can I know it's NOT? Maybe James can indeed see and hear everything I do near the autograph, in which case I really shouldn't have it near my bed, especially when I'm gassy.)

-Why do I always end up mentioning farting? Do people think I'm gross?

-Heh heh, farting! Oh my god, I'm my Dad.

-My fingers miss Tetris. Must - wean - self - off - game.

-Why do I end up writing the longest, ramblies entries when I'm really tired? On the other hand, all my entries are long and rambly. Maybe that's just me.

-I think it's time for bed now. But first for some autograph-staring.

2009-09-19T13:33:00.000-07:00

I didn't make a full post of this, it seems, but I can still post it since it seems like an important thought.

Some of the anxiety has been lifted, so I can finally think freely about the issues instead of just revolving around the same anxious thoughts, and it feels refreshing. I have a freedom to truly decide my own lifestyle and my own values. It's hard and it might take a while, but it feels... possible.

Can I Make a Short Post?

2009-09-03T13:05:00.000-07:00

Let's see. 3, 2, 1... Go!

I met Elina again today. I invited her to my place, which I scrubbed in places and not in others. It was still pretty messy, but it's very me, at least. We made healthy (?) homecooked food, and it came out really good. Then I showed off my snails - hopefully not too many times - and Defaustos the baby snail was unwilling to show himself. So I sprayed some water on him with great force, and he was flinged out of my hand onto the floor somewhere. We looked for him for ages, and laughed and laughed, and Elina finally spotted him next to the chair leg. I was almost resigned to losing him, but so glad he was found. (He is incredibly tiny, and there were many similar-looking bread crumbs on the floor.) He was keeping to the shell a lot after that, possibly in fear. Poor baby. (L)

I had a lot of fun today. I feel like I can be myself with Elina. I don't necessarily feel that way with many people. I can't explain why, but there's usually something I'm holding back. I feel like I can say almost anything and she'll get it. It's always a refreshing experience. Also laughing a lot is really relaxing. I should do it more often. (Except that it's hard on the jaws. ;) )

Then I went to work and was BORED OUT OF MY SKULL. Nothing new there. I haven't gotten all chummy with the supervisors, but lately I've tried to small talk a bit. I think one of them smiled at me today like he likes me. I feel touched by that.

Thinking of my lifestyle. Cooking was pretty easy, and cleaning wasn't all that bad. (I scrubbed the sink, haven't done that in ages.) I feel like I should clean up more often AND cook more often. But would that be ME? Would I still be myself, only with a better life at home? Or am I someone who doesn't clean and doesn't cook? Should I strive to keep that?

Fall is coming, and it gets dark around 9 PM. There will be lots of rainy and grey days, like yesterday, which make me feel pretty down. So look forward to that in this blog in the future! I'm fearing the winter a bit because of last year's depression, but maybe this year won't be as bad. I have drugs and a better understanding of myself.

And I'm considering not becoming a translator after all, but have no idea what else I'd like to be. So I'll keep applying for translation jobs (every now and then).

And... I think I managed a pretty short post! Go, me!

My August So Far.

2009-08-23T13:11:00.000-07:00

My brother's cat died yesterday. I'm very, very sad over this. I didn't expect for it to hit me so hard, since it's not even my cat, but I feel like I'm basically in mourning. He was a soft and loveable cat who loved scratches and being close to humans. I last visited him a month ago and he was in good shape still. Yesterday, his kidneys had failed and he was put to sleep. He had had kidney issues for years, but it still came as a shock. RIP Jörö! :*(

The weird part is that I've had feelings similar to those I had after my grandparents died. I feel a cloud of tiredness hanging over me, which resembles the exhaustion of depression, even if it isn't quite as strong. I don't want this to be true. I don't want to live in a world where there is no Jörö. I've even had suicide thoughts again. It's surprising to me. I feel a bit like a drama queen about this. Maybe I'll stop feeling this if I stop staring at my own feelings. I should worry about my brother who had to have his pet put to sleep, and his other cat who will continue his life lonely, maybe never understanding where his friend went. It shouldn't be my grief. But it is.

I felt an intense need to talk about this, so I started a thread at the James Callis forum. Isn't that odd? The conversation there is pretty much dead lately, and I've only posted about James for ages, bringing very little personal stuff into it. I really check mostly to see if James has posted. But it was the first and only forum I wanted to post about this in; not the Ace of Base forum I still read but never post at, not Baby's Named a Bad Bad Thing which I sometimes enjoy reading and even posting in, being a bit of a name nerd (although my name taste isn't as discriminate as theirs). Maybe the JC forum has some meaning to me beyond James.

I've soon been working for a month after summer holiday. It doesn't feel like that long, possibly because I spent a whole week on sick leave already with the flu. Cough, snot and all that. Ugh! Well, I'm feeling better now and I've worked a whole week after that, so my faith in myself as a good, useful employer is restored. Work actually wasn't too bad this week, since we got to leave early a couple of times.

Elina and I live in the same city and have known each other online for many months now, but it wasn't until Tuesday that we first met. Truth be told, I was terribly nervous at the thought at first, but was then able to make the appointment and meet her downtown. Maybe that was mostly because she already knows me so well through my blogs, and I know her through hers. If she were going to judge me, she would already have done it.

Elina is a fellow James Callis fan, and we met through my blog. Her writing is vivid and effortless and she has a great command of English. I thought at first that she's a native speaker, and she has told me she thought the same about me! She studies English like I did, so maybe the university is just doing a great job. When I read Elina's blog, I often wish it were mine. But she seems to love my James blog, so maybe the feeling is mutual. She also paints things that are grotesque in that way that comes back around to being beautiful.

Here's her account of our meeting. We basically created a new religion for James Callis worshippers (Jamus - we're taking donations of 20 € and up, and let's round it up to 20 dollars too so it's easier!) and showed our intellectual status by browsing through the Academic bookstore. We showed it mainly by giggling a lot, and I can tell you people were very impressed indeed. Then we went to another bookstore, since it was raining. (See, average women go to clothes stores, but us intellectual academics go to bookstores instead!) I bought an Oscar Wilde book for 3 € and still haven't read it. Gotta get around to it, but the point is to have lots of very intellectual authors represented in your bookshelf.

It was a great meeting and made me feel better about myself and my life in general. I met the psychologist the day before, and he seemed very happy and proud that I wanted to meet with Elina. I will only be seeing him once after this, which makes me sad, but it's inevitable. I've gotten a lot better since the spring, though, and don't really feel depressed anymore.

I've been pretty happy this week, all in all, even with the PMS and the cat's death and a couple of nights of odd insomnia. The fall is coming, which is always a little bittersweet, but things are going pretty well. I hope to hear from the book translation thing soon, and am also actively working on my samples again. Hopefully this time, I will send them out too.

I've managed to gain nine pounds, which I did on purpose, so I guess I can't complain. I didn't plan to gain this much - five pounds would have been nice. Some of my pants and shirts, and even my coat, are beginning to feel on the tight side, so maybe I need to stop the gaining if I can. I'm a little reluctant to stop, even if I'm consciously overeating, so it also feels a bit silly. There's something I went out to prove. What was it? Was it that I can gain weight, even a lot of it, and still feel pretty OK with myself? Was it that even with the weight gain, my life is pretty much the same and I'm the same person? Maybe it was. I've learned a lot about fat and fat acceptance in the past few years. One thing is that other people gain weight too. (Even James does.) Another is that it really doesn't have to be a big deal if you gain weight. It has a lot to do with your attitude. A third is that my mother has issues with weight issues and I shouldn't care about her judgement here.

I've gone thru bouts of weight obsession with the gain, but I don't think I've become more obsessed than I was before it. I was and am obsessed with weight issues, but what with fat acceptance, and my girlfriend loving me the way I am, and even James' donut gut thing... I feel a lot more positive than I did a few years back, or even a year ago. I feel like I can finally say that fat is something I am, but it's not who I am.

About Fat Hate, And My Mom.

2009-07-24T08:31:00.000-07:00

So, I'll make an attempt to write a semi-FA post, even if my brain might still recoil in horror of writing something intellectual or analytical. We'll see. *puts on her thinking helmet*

It's not always hate. That's one of the things I've been thinking of late. It's very often just ignorance. There are lots of kind people out there who really truly care, and who really truly believe that making a mean joke or insensitive remark is loving a fat person. Who believe that fat jokes are completely harmless and that fat people aren't really discriminated against. Who want to pressure a fat person or humiliate her because they want her to be healthy.

So what can you say to that?

What's the worse thing to say: that somebody's hateful, or that somebody's ignorant? Are they both a personal judgement? If you call someone ignorant, is that arrogant and condescending? Do people want to be educated about this stuff?

I'm thinking mainly of my mother here. I'm going to the cabin tomorrow, and I have gained about three kilos (about 6.5 pounds) over the summer. There's no way she won't notice that, especially since we're going to go to the sauna and swim and all that. So she might make a remark or two. It might be a mean joke, or an indirect stab, or an overt-as-hell comment. I'm not sure what to expect. She might even not say anything. Sometimes she doesn't, especially when I've gained a lot. But what to say if she does say something?

This just struck me today: what if I just threaten her? I have been so annoyed hat after all these years, Mom still doesn't get that I'm fat acceptant. She doesn't get that I am happier this way, and I don't trust diets, and I don't believe I'd be healthier if Itried to lose the weight. That I don't want to have a "healthy lifestyle", but rather want to choose my lifestyle.

What if she does get me, and does see me being happier this way and calmer and all that... and it threatens her idea of a healthy, happy person? Maybe her comments don't come from concern - or at least not just from concern - but rather from envy or fear?

Is this condescending? Is this terrible? If it's true, it makes me feel better about myself. But I'm not going to say this to my mother's face, obviously. It would just feel good to be... superior? No. More mature? In the right? I'm not sure what I'm saying but it would feel like a victory.

My mom's been making comments about my weight since forever, long before I got fat. Since I was six, at least. That's the earliest I remember. I remember shame and fear of the comments, and I remember she always seemed to enjoy it. She loves the power of commenting on our bodies - this is true of all of us, my brothers and even Dad included - and no matter how many times I showed that it hurt, she wouldn't stop. I grew to think I wouldn't be loved if I got fat, and that I'd have to keep myself "in shape" for her.

It's not really like that - she hasn't been all "I disown you" about my weight, and she won't always bring it up. She's kind of half and half about all of this, one day she'll tell me she's proud of me thinking with my own brain; the next day she'll tell me I need to care about my health, meaning my weight.

My Mom is all about these pre-set values that others set out for her. Not herself, not her parents even, but the 50's society, the church... It's all been decided and she treats experts and mainstream media the same way as the Bible: it's gospel from God and you do. not. question. it.

I've been thinking about this a lot: what things are you allowed to think for yourself, if it's all been decided for you? I feel like it's pretty much nothing as far as my Mom is concerned. You can decide certain things for yourself, within certain boundaries, as long as you believe in Jesus, the Bible, sex only in marriage, no (or very little) alcohol, no smoking, mostly healthy food, having exercise, being a nice and compliant wife-mother-daughter-sister-friend, etc. etc. etc.

Regarding alcohol, I need to quote one old conversation between Mom and myself, just to show what her attitude is on things. Bear in mind that this is a woman who's never had more than one glass of beer at a time.

Mom: You know, alcohol is so horrible. It ruins lives.
Me: Yes, but some people just drink in moderation and have fun...
Mom: It's not fun! It's anything but fun! I've seen people in my job whose lives are ruined by alcohol! They're miserable, there's nothing fun about that!

So - you can only be an absolutist or an alcoholic, and no one can have fun while drinking. Got it.

Tell me how to have a conversation with this woman when you don't agree with her. She just knows everything about everything.

Another example:

Mom: I wish you had some oatmeal. It's so healthy for your stomach.
Me: I don't like oatmeal. I'd rather take multi-grain bread.
Mom: Well, maybe you'll learn to like oatmeal when you're fifty. *complacent smile*

AAAAARGH! This is one reason why I wish Mom were still around when I'm fifty: just to see I did mature, and did not turn out to be exactly like her.

I sound angry and bitter, but I feel better writing this stuff down. I just feel so stuck with my mother sometimes. She loves me and has been supportive and just great in some ways. But she also drives me nuts. I want to understand her and respect her, and I want to be understood and respected. But maybe there's a gulf between us that is unpassable. Maybe it's like that with all mothers and daughters. It just feels a bit sad, because we used to get along so well. (And still do as long as we don't try to have a real conversation.)

Me, Myself And Most of All, I. In July.

2009-07-24T07:59:00.000-07:00

(This post says "I" a million times and almost every sentence begins with "I" but what can I do? Am I really this self-centered? Is it a bad thing? Is it normal? Is it supposed to be that way? I... Now I said it again! Argh.)

Right. I'm not a particularly good diary blogger lately, it seems. I've been posting more at Deniselle's Droolateria, but even there it's pretty short posts and James Callis-heavy. Which feels more OK on LJ somehow, because all of my friends there are JC fans.

Truth be told? I'm not doing ALL that well. Not as well as I was hoping to be doing at this point. My depression is kind of coming and going, which makes the mood unstable. I have thought of suicide this week. I'm not planning to do it, but I do worry that I eventually will. Somehow I just expected the entire thought to vanish with the meds, and it hasn't.

I'm disappointed in myself, even if I know (at least on a purely logical level) that this is normal for depression and it's not going to go away completely for a long time yet. I've only been in treatment for five months. The problem is, I'm not going to have much actual treatment past this point. I'm... not sure how I'm going to manage.

Two sessions left with my pscyhologist. I like him so much, and I wish I could continue to see him throughout the year. But he's leaving the hospital in September, and I only get so many free visits. So if I want to continue with therapy, I'd need to start over with someone else. And frankly, he's made my treshold of meeting someone higher, because he was so good and understood me so well. I don't think I can get another therapist who hears me like he did.

But I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in providence. I believe in God taking care of me. I think it all comes together and probably I was meant to see this particular therapist at this particular point in my life and he had an important role in pushing my healing forward. Now I'll need to learn to cope on my own.

I need to remind myself that I've come a really long way. I no longer see myself as negatively as I did in February. I'm feeling calmer and happier about life in general. I trust myself more. While I still think about my weight and how inferior I must be, I've managed to somewhat shift focus from that to better things in life. Like movies and books. And James Callis.

Oh! And I wrote 1,000 words yesterday. Of my book. I'm not sure where it's going and whether I'm going to use those words, but I was able to write, effortlessly, enjoying it, like I did as a child. It felt so good. I just... wrote it. Maybe I'll be able to write a novel after all?

The holiday has been refreshing, calm and with a lot of me time. I got myself a laptop and I'm very happy about that! I've been working on it a lot. Had a great trip to Helsinki for five days, and am about to embark on a pretty dreary-sounding four-day trip to the cabin with my parents. Except that I'm doing an interpreting gig on Monday. I've never interpreted, don't have any training for it, and it's going to be a very Christian thing, so help me God!

My work stress has eased off a lot. I feel good and like life has more to offer than my job. For the fall, I'm thinking of doing some new things. Maybe I have to go to work 5 days a week, but who says I have to go straight from home to lunch to work and straight back home again? Who says I can't go to the park and walk around, or take the bus somewhere I've never been before and THEN come to work? Who says I can't read a book or watch a movie before work? I need to expand my everyday life so I can find more relaxation. This will hopefully help alleviate the suicide thoughts, because life won't feel like a trap.

And - I might actually get to translate the book on pscyhology soon. Book translation! A real translating job!

Life isn't so bad. I'll manage. I'll be happy, even. In time. I'm OK.

Cute Link Dump

2009-06-23T07:23:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling consistently good for about the last five days, and it feels really encouraging. More on that later.

I realized today that I have all these cute animal picture links in my bookmarks that I'm always intending to post, so maybe now's the time.

Breastfeeding brings joy to a cat mother and her babies. I love the variety of colors too.

Bottle-feeding brings joy to a baby armadillo. Armadillos look like they're made of plastic or something. It's one of the weirdest-looking animals out there.

Goslings under a mother's wing.

Wrinkly baby monkey in its mother's lap.

Mother and baby hippo look like they're made of stone. It's unbearably cute how the hippo baby is the exact copy of the mother.

Baby sloth is adorable.

Baby orangutan thinks Mom's nose might just be edible.

Life is harsh for bath kitten.

And for baby flying foxes, but they were rescued. And look adorable wrapped in cloth.

The snail is curious about dog food. (Look at the size of the snail vs. the dog's nose!)

Human or tree? The sloth doesn't really care.
Tree or cardboard? (see above.)

Baby fennec.

Cat meets Venetian blinds.

Cat meets cardboard box. From the inside.

A pug dog vs. Onslow from Keeping Up Appearances. Who's more handsome?

The bunny disapproves.

Staying Alive...

2009-06-22T03:17:00.001-07:00

Last time I was angsting about my weight, but it sort of waned by now. It comes and goes. If I only angsted the whole time, I'd probably be trying really hard to lose weight. But truth be told, I want to live with it at least for a little while yet and just indulge in food. I'm really enjoying eating.
(I don't mean that I'll go on a diet later and lose all the weight and be skinny - I don't think it works like that - but my weight usually stabilizes around 180 when I'm not overindulging, so I assume it will go back down to that.)

The reason I wanted to gain weight... I guess is to prove that I'm still alive. The soft skin and the soft squishy rolls under it - that's life. That's appetite and indulgence, and that means I still yearn for something and something still makes me happy. It means I'm willing to perform the rituals of eating required to keep you alive, even go beyond that and actually enjoy it. I had no appetite a few months back. I made myself eat, but I couldn't eat a lot, and it felt like a necessary.. not evil but blah, not like something I really wanted to do. It wasn't just that either - I felt there was almost nothing left of me, of who I really am. Joy is a very impotant part of my personality, so without that, I didn't know who I was. I didn't want to do anything, I didn't want to live. I was just tired. I was an empty shell, so I guess it's no surprise that I yearned to fill out.

I can't take for granted that I'm alive, and that I'll still be alive in a year, or five years or ten. But I want to live, and I want to eat, and I want to have sex and I want to be with my girlfriend and love her and love James. I want to work and translate. I have a lot to live for. I'm still worried that this condition will kill me, though. There are no guarantees.

I guess I'm cheating myself, really. It doesn't matter how much weight I gain, when it's not starvation that would kill me. The problem isn't in my body, which, as the tests showed, works just fine. My heart is fine, my blood sugar is fine, my thyroid is fine. But weight gain symbolizes something mental that's hopefully going to keep me alive. I will live because I want to live, and because I am hungry and I enjoy things and indulge in them.

Maybe that's why the James/donut thing also meant so much at this point. Indulgence is joy of living. It's a good role model to follow. I've never considered it to be a vice, rather a positive personality trait or good attitude. He has an appetite for life, and you can tell he loves the world and the people in it. I want to be like that too.

I just want to live. Please God, let me live.

Clothes and Waist Angsting

2009-06-16T13:19:00.000-07:00

On Friday, I was feeling bad and sat on a bench near my house, pondering on life and death and how tired I am. I was carrying a blue plastic bag that contained a banana and my new summer hat that I'd only worn twice.

Today, in the pouring rain, I walk past the bench - and the bag is there. With the banana and my grocery store receipt from Friday. But no hat.

Someone has stolen my new summer hat!

Yes, it's probably my own fault for being so absent-minded (although I challenge any readers to not be absent-minded when you're feeling really down). But that hat cost like 40 euros, and my mother paid for it. She must never find out about this. I am buying a new identical hat at Marimekko and never letting on.

They could have taken the banana instead. It's a good source of potassium. No potassium in a hat.

I bought new pink panties today. They feel really comfortable - except around the waist, where an enormous waistband presses me so I can hardly breathe. But I mean, they're underpants, who's ever gonna see them? I cut off the waistband. Problem solved.

Except that I feel really fat right now. I was already feeling bad about my weight (happens on most bad days), and this doesn't help. These are plus-sized panties with a label that says GENEROUS, so it feels extra humiliating somehow. They're being generous, I'm just so huge. I feel like my waist is gigantic. I know for a fact that it's big - it's 40 inches, or 100 cm, it would be big even for a man. Many women fatter than me have smaller waists.

I don't know why I feel the need to talk about numbers in that way, as if it means anything. Probably some readers have bigger waists and/or don't even think that's so big. A part of me always wants to prove I'm so fat by using the numbers - my BMI is over 30, my weight is over 180, my waist is 40 inches. Whatever. I'm not sure why I'm doing it. Am I trying to appeal to some kind of objective reality behind my body image?

I really don't know what I should think of myself. Most people don't seem to consider me that fat. I've been trying to form an idea of myself as not that fat, since it seems to be more realistic than "I'm hugely fat". Even if I still don't think there's anything wrong with being hugely fat, it's just not what I am. But when I can't fit into plus-sized clothes, I get that feeling that I really am hugely fat and I'm just trying to cheat myself into thinking I'm not.

It doesn't help that I'm having fat and sugar cravings. I already had food guilt before this. It's not a proud day for my fat acceptance ideals. But I need to be open about these feelings to work on them, right?

I just wish I had something to say other than "I hate myself". I've tried to accept my weight for ten years and read so much on the topic and had a fat acceptance blog for fuck's sake. I have nothing. I'm drawing a blank. I'm ashasmed that I still feel so bad about this.

No. I have to stop beating myself up. Maybe I should see this as some kind of positive thing. Maybe all the things I see as weaknesses are in fact strength. I've endured lots of pressure to lose weight in ten years, and I haven't gone on a diet. I'm proud of that. It's my choice, I'm standing my ground. I just happen to have an apple-shaped body. There's nothing I can do about that. The only reason I want to be smaller around the waist is because of societal pressure.

I just feel very strongly that I should eat and accept the fat. I already felt that way before I had read even one fat acceptance blog or article. It didn't come from outside influence, it came from inside me, and I always felt it came above all from God. Even if it's lifestyle related (at least to some extent), I feel He wants me to be fat. For whatever reason. I don't have to understand why. I feel a certain joy for eating and being free - a joy that is not related to the pleasure of eating - but then I get days like this when I just feel really bad.

I'm not sure where I stand on the fat and fit issue, since I am by no means fit and don't eat all that healthy (or even try to). Should I think I'm just on the same level with slim people with unhealthy lifestyles? I don't judge them. I don't judge fat people with unhealthy lifestyles either. But I do judge myself. Sometimes the guilt I feel for eating is so bad that I feel like dying, because I can't take it anymore.

It's weird I've spoken so little about this to the psychologist. Maybe I need to bring it up more next time.

I'm not sure what to do about this. I'll go do something else and try to forget this.

Job Thoughts

2009-06-14T11:28:00.000-07:00

Good news: I'm still going to translate that book on psychology.
Bad news: It's been moved til fall, with a vague "I'll contact you when we make a decision".
So um... yeah. I feel a bit like I've been left hanging. I understand these things take time and whatever, but I was told this spring, and I had to contact him to ask about it when it turned into June, and it took over a week to get an answer.

Things I get from my current job:
-money
-a way to pass the time
-a place to go and get my shit together on bad days

Things I'd get from a translating job:
-experience
-pride
-joy
-something to think about
-challenges
-an idea of whether or not I want to continue translating

Basically, my current job sucks, because I could get those three things out of ANY job. There's nothing positive about gallup work that really keeps me going. The people working there are mostly fun, but the people I talk to on the phone are usually just meh, and since the surveys are kinda formulaic - well, they forms, so it doesn't really get more formulaic than that - everyone starts to sound the same. It's hard to have truly individual convos with all of them, and the ones that do turn into individual convos are usually really bad in terms of getting the questions answered.

James is great, and my girlfriend is great, and most of the stuff going on online is great. But I need a purpose. I need something to drive me. I'm not happy like this, drifting. Drifting comes naturally to me, but it's not necessarily good for me. In a way, I'm relieved the project is being moved, because I still get really bad days and might want to be free for now. But I need something.

So I might wanna write a book this summer. Or translate a book, even just for fun. I need to do something with books because I love them. I think it would give me a needed sense of purpose.

I'm worried to set upon the work tho, maybe out of fear that I'd still feel equally ratty. We'll see.

An attempt to blog about books
I haven't tried writing about fiction in a while, so we'll see what comes out of this.

Read The Tirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield, in Finnish. Good translation, only mediocre book. My verdict: Setterfield is a good writer who could probably do a lot more than this book. I was captivated by her narrative style at first, but when the story actually gets going, it's so very derivative of the classics. Very Jane Eyre. Very Wuthering Heights. Very "a secret is uncovered at the end of this book, and that secret has to do with someone's birth origin". I realize it's probably meant to honor the classics, and at least Jane Eyre is mentioned several times, so it's not even that veiled or anything. But this book isn't progressive like Jane Eyre, and its "ghost story" isn't as captivating as that of Wuthering Heights. The secret at the end of the novel is not really worth reading the whole thing. I must admit I got bored and skipped a lot - surprising, since it's a well-written, beautiful book per se.

I honestly don't think modern writers should attempt to write classical novels about old-time mansions and twins separated at birth (which is not what happens here, but it's sort of related). Maybe I'm biased, since the idea of a rich family living in a mansion doing nothing their whole lives just makes me depressed, but I just don't find this type of literature very fascinating. It had its use in the old days, and it was good literature then, but I think it's useless nostalgia to go writing a story in the 2000's that's all about how people used to live in mansions with servants. I've never read a book like this that I liked. I just think that if you're going to honor the classics, you should look at what they meant in their own time and try to do that in some non-direct way, in your own style. Rather than write in a classics style about events that are similar to the classics. Retro for the sake of retro is not necessarily interesting to read.

Sell-Out.

2009-06-14T01:57:00.000-07:00

OK. I guess I remember now why I hated LiveJOurnal so much last time. It turns out I have a "plus" account, which they gave me without asking. This means there are ugly ads on my page. I can't see them because I have AdBlock, but as soon as I turn it off, the page tells me to test my IQ (Shakira got 140!) and buy a new car and whatever. I'm a bit sad, but...

If I take the non-ads account, that means a lot less features and an ugly page. So I guess I'm opting for the ads. It's not my fault, right? It's LJ's marketing? Tell me I'm not a sell-out.

I'm guessing that last time I tried to sign on, it was unpaid crap account or paid account with all these features. Now they give you the option of a PLUS account with ads. Sigh. I don't like encouraging this kind of stuff, but I guess I'll just have my pretty fox theme and not say anything.

Incidentally, you can download AdBlock here. Highly recommended.

It seems like I'm posting all kinds of random thoughts there. Not sure why I can't do the same here, it just seems more embarrassing next to my very Dignified and Mature Blogs. (??)

James' face is just PERFECT. How can one man's face embody perfection in such a way? It's uncanny! I...

My red shirt is tight, which feels a bit sad. I'm still wearing it though. I like weight gain for most things, but it's not so practical when it comes to clothes. I can't afford a new wardrobe, so maybe I have to stop when more clothes get uncooperative.

Off to New York restaurant for a lovely veggie burger, and then work. Come on, one more day. You can do it!

OK, LiveJournal too.

2009-06-13T10:23:00.001-07:00

OK, so I got myself a LiveJournal account. At this point, I have no idea how much I'm going to use it - despite making three or four "first posts" already. This is only the first day, so let's see where it goes. LJ really isn't as bad as I expected, at least if you just want to do basic stuff like posting and embedding videos. I might actually enjoy it.

My account is at deniselleb (B for Baltarstar and Deniselle was taken). I'll probably keep the depression stuff here and ramble on about James Callis/random stuff there.

So, meet me here OR there, OR both. And don't hesitate to add me as a friend if you're a fellow fan or have some other things in common with me! (As long as you're not looking for a date. I'm taken. And I'm not the guy in the profile picture either. Maybe I should say this on LJ rather than here. :D)

June Bugs

2009-06-11T13:16:00.001-07:00

(It seems like I'm only writing once a month lately, but I really can't bring myself to post some of the time. I start a draft and then never finish it. Not sure why - but let's try again now. Even a little post. Baby steps.)

Had my last doctor visit for now. She prescribed me drugs for another year. A year! I don't know, it feels so... lasting? Permanent? I thought it'd be about six months. She considered upping my dosage, but concluded that we can continue on the same one, as long as improvement is happening the whole time. I feel safe about continuing on the meds - they really help me - but I also feel a bit humiliated, like I had "SICK" stamped in my forehead for the time being, with no hope of it being taken off any time soon. But it probably won't feel the same way after a while. With disease, you just grow into accepting it, and you can't rush that. I'm trying to be good to myself and not beat myself up. I feel compassionate when it's someone else, but for some reason, I tend to judge myself a bit.

Lately I've been restless. I have more energy, but it's not always a positive feeling. I've been translating, tho, at long last, and can focus on reading books. I went to the library and took out the English original and Finnish translation of some of them. Comparing the translations, I can get an idea of what publishers want right now. I think my translation samples are as good as some of the published translations out there, and suddenly feel more confident at my chances.

I can wait. I can wait a long time for something I really want, that's not the issue. But I didn't get the TV translating job last fall, which made me feel that I might not, after all, be a good enough translator. TV and book translating are different, so maybe books will be up my alley, more so than TV. I just want to know I'm good and I could conceivably get the job.

What else? I feel guilty for forgetting my girlfriend's birthday four months ago. I actually remembered my godson's birthday this week without being reminded - I think it might be the first time this ever happened (he's 12). Mom did send me an SMS, but I had already sent the card with the money by that time. So weird. I asked my girlfriend last night if it hurt that I forgot (she was very nice about it at the time, since I was still very depressed), and she admitted that it did. I don't know how I can make it up to her. She has never once forgotten my birthday. I couldn't send her anything, since her parents would see it, but we could have celebrated in some way. Maybe I can think of something really special for her 21st birthday next year. But is it a good thing if I'm doing it to relieve my own conscience? Shouldn't it be something spontaneous that I do anyway?

Every time I fight with my girlfriend, I just get this feeling that I'm so selfish and awful and not cut out for being in a relationship. I feel like I must just hurt her all the time and give nothing. Like every time I'm selfless and take care of her and love her, I'm only doing it to improve my own idea of myself, not out of genuine concern. I know it's not true, because why would she be with me if it were true? I just have this idea of myself as an utterly selfish person - and it probably holds at least some truth - and I hope I can actually be in a relationship in the future and not just dump her as soon as I realize I have to care about someone other than myself, god forbid. Maybe I'm a narcissist and don't know it. Maybe I need so much space and loneliness because I can't genuinely care for other people. OK, now I made myself feel sick, and it's probably a pretty rash exaggeration anyway, so fuck guilt and onto other topics.

Had my cousin over yesterday, the first guest I've had since... forever. I was nervous and reluctant, but it went pretty well and ended up being refreshing. She brought her husband and they brought pizza and we ate too much and washed my windows. This is a part of my "keeping Mom out as much as possible" project. Mom was planning to come here "for several days" to clean up my closets and windows etc. I don't mind her coming for a few days, but I won't let her clean my closets, I think. I'm 30 this year. It's not up to her to know every single item of clothing I own and comment upon it. I felt independent, arranging a window-washery without her. I've never done this.

My parents visited briefly a few weeks ago for a cleaning/complaining day. I don't mind if htey wash my laundry and cook for me, I don't even mind if they clean; it's the comments. I don't take advantage of my balcony. I need to beat the carpets sometimes. The carpets aren't straight enough. I need to fold my sheets when I put them in the closet. AAAAA! I'm 30 this year! Don't I have the right to decide these things myself?

I don't want to take advantage of my balcony, end of story. I like it. It's a good, big, glazed balcony. But it's not a duty to spend time there. I spend most of my time at the computer or on the sofa. I don't even spend that much time in the kitchen. This is my house, this is the way I make my space here. I like watching the rain at the balcony, and I like standing there sometimes (in the summer) and just looking out, feeling the smell of the plants and enjoying the fact that I can be inside yet be outside at the same time. But beyond that - if I don't feel like sitting in the balcony, I don't feel like sitting there. Butt out.

Oh, and I'm ashamed to admit this. I was going to tell them that I want my bank account to be only in my use. It was supposed to be this big step for my independence. But today, while I'm working, Mom calls me to ask if I'm sure I'll have enough money for the loans on Monday. It's time for my bi-annual loan payments (I pay 150 a month of interest plus 500 twice a year), and she had given me 300 for it, but she wanted to give me some more "Just to be sure". So I actually told her to go and look at my account and check how much money is going to be taken off my account that day. Why did I do it? Why didn't I tell her that I'm sure I will have enough money on that day? Why didn't I say they have to stop worrying about me?

I felt safe. That's why. I felt loved and taken care of. And I wanted the extra money. I am so going to spend it on eating out though. I've gone crazy over eating (overeating?) out and buying all kinds of foods I haven't eaten in a while. So I guess my appetite has returned. It feels good, although I'm having to confront my eating-based fears and guilt feelings again. I just want food and weight to mean nothing. I'm not sure if they can, but that's what I want. I've spent so much time worrying about them. I've gained some weight, actually only 2 pounds, but it feels like a big deal. It always does. I want to gain more, though, so I will keep eating. I always struggle between the two polar opposites inside my head: the side that wants to just eat and eat and be free, and the one that's terrified of getting bigger and already hates being this size. And worries about health and being "a good person". I hate that latter side, but it's still a part of me, so I'm not sure what to do. Probably the best option is to find some kind of middle road. Maybe I can't be completely free of my fears and concerns.

It's summer. In fact, we're halfway thru June, and - it doesn't feel like summer. Is it because it's been cold the last few days? Is it because I'm still working? Is it because time just passes me by lately and I can't keep up with it? Either way, I hope I get the "feeling" sometime before summer is over. Or is it important at all to have a feel? I missed summer so much (particularly the light), but I feel like nothing's really changed. I am feeling better than in the winter, but I feel it has more to do with the meds and therapy than it does with the weather outside.

My wish for July/my summer holiday: to just be. I know I probably wont' get that, but I wish I did. At least two weeks of just doing nothing on my own. No trips, no visits, no duties. Just me. That's what I'd like.

I'm trying to decide about going to Starfury in November to see James Callis. I'm not sure. It'd be awesome to see London again and meet some other fans, but meeting James... I mean yes, I want to meet James. I want his kind eyes to look at me and I want him to write my name in an autograph and I want to have a picture with James and me, and all fans want this. But as a blogger, I also want him to read my blog and love it. I think he might, but I'm not sure if he does. And here comes the problem: do I want to meet him and know for sure? Because it's possible he's not all that into my blog, and that might be really disappointing. I have two dreams of James - one is the regular fandom dream that is private, and some of that will always be only mine and he can't take it away from me. But the other dream is that he reads my blog and has some idea of who I am, maybe even likes me or feels a certain connection with me (maybe I'm stretching it there), and that dream is more fragile because it can be proven wrong. The latter dream might be less important, but I don't know.

At first, I didn't really expect him to read the blog anyway, because how interested would I be in reading rambly posts about myself? But I think since I've seen him post to the fans, and he did recognize the BSG Cast hosts... It seems like he is interested in, at least, the original JC fans and the BSG fandom. And I guess that's the big threat: if he's uninterested in my fandom. Do I really expect for him to spend all that much time reading the thoughts of one fan? Is that wanting the moon from the sky? It'd be nice to be just another fan in line, right? Someone he has no prior knowledge of, someone who can be anything. There's something safe about that.

I worry that I'm passing the treshold from regular fan to stalker if I really want James to like me back. Or is that just a normal fan thing, as long as you have a grip of reality? I'd like for the fandom to be a positive force in my life. Also, I don't want to ask James for anything, because he's already given me so much with his work, and it's my own choice to be a fan. I feel I've been able to keep it that way so far. For some reason, the aspect of possibly meeting him brings in this negative dimension, which... maybe is a sign that I shouldn't go to Starfury? Or I should go and confront these feelings?

Why am I obsessed with the Kenya loop video? Maybe it's the insane randomness of it all, or the fork and knife the tiger and lion are holding next to the dead zebra. Or the whole Norway/Kenya comparison. Kenyaa, we're going to Kenyaa!

Wow, this turned out to be a long post. And personal. Which is good in a diary, of course. I feel good after writing all this out. I want to embed some of my favorite literal videos, but I felt like I just had to get a real post in before I do that. So now I do. Literal videos coming!

A Couple of Photos

2009-05-21T04:00:00.000-07:00

Not sure if any of these even looks like me... I was trying to look longingly at James, but not sure if it comes across at all. :D

All I can think is that I look fat. But that's my response to all of my own photos.

These are for Elina who's planning to make a truly twisted-sounding painting of me - we'll see what comes of that! No one's ever tried to paint me, and I'm not sure what to expect but it's very flattering.

More on Sickness And Healing

2009-05-06T04:51:00.000-07:00

Called in sick today. I'm always nervous about it, especially after last year, when I had a flu cycle for three months. I was on and off work, and the boss sounded like she didn't quite believe I was sick anymore. I felt horrified that I'd lose my job (although apparently, they can't legally fire you for something like that here. Whew!) In the end, with yet another cough, I forced myself to get to work with my voice only half-functional. And I did get better, but it wasn't the greatest experience. I've been better this year, and the boss sounded quite calm about my two-day absence. Now I just need to rest.

I do feel quite ratty. I actually wished I'd be better today, because I've had this restless fluey feeling over me for so many days now, and it's getting a bit old. Nightmares all night long - kept waking up to people in my room singing annoying songs and my dad fighting with me and all that. For some reason, it's always my family coming to bug me. I woke up from the dad dream with intense guilt and had to turn on the light and think for a while of our last meeting and how nice I was to him then. I was nice, right? Why did I dream that I hurt his feelings terribly? My theory is that the flu virus has my body under attack, and my subconscious somehow visualizes that as mental aggression and horror. There's a fight going on inside me, and it's hard to sleep calmly. I should have taken a Xanax, coming to think of it. I'll try that tonight.

The nurse asked me how I've been doing psychologically. When I went in for a sick note. I feel a bit awkward about this, because obviously they can all see on their computers that THIS PATIENT HAS DEPRESSION and it's not easy to open up to a new doctor/nurse every time I visit for any small reason. It's good that they care, I guess, but I felt awkward. I said the drugs are helping, which they are, and that the psychologist has been good, which he has. So I guess that's all there is to say.

So the nurse did what exactly?
Did she ask me about the symptoms? No. Apart from asking if I have a fever.
Did she examine me in any way? No.
Did she ask how long it's been? No.
I don't know what she wrote in that note of hers, but at least she did give me two days off. I didn't feel particularly well cared for, but I did get some kind of "flu - a patient's manual" printout. I'm totally not going to read it.

Deniselle's Flu Treatment Manual:
-Chocolate. Coke. Pizza.
-Fun books and DVD's.
-Lots and lots of James Callis.

Oh, speaking of which:
[James Callis fangirling]

Tomorrow marks one month of donut orgasming. And I am still orgasming about it. For those unfamiliar with my donut obsession, it has to do with James Callis and the origins of it are in this post. Read at your own risk. Yes, I know he's skinny now and I'm probably the only person in the world to fat fetishize him, but I mean, how irresistable is this? As if I needed a reason to love him even more. And when I say orgasming, I mean it literally.

On a serious note, I've used this to deconstruct my weight and food-related anxieties, and I think it's been very healing. Somehow the combination of weight gain and James makes gaining weight more acceptable, as if being associated with him is enough to turn anything into gold. If I think he's admirable, how can I despise myself? It doesn't make any sense. I feel an acceptance streaming from him into me. (I realize James is most probably not sending telepathic acceptance rays on me, but a girl can dream.) I still try to hate on myself, but most of the time, HeadJames won't let me. He always morphs into DonutJames then.

I rewatched Beginner's Luck the other day and the fat girl scene made me feel... nothing. It was totally unrelated to me. It's kind of a rimshot, but not a "shoot me now, I'm worthless" moment, at all. I'm very proud of getting over that. Maybe it's silly, but after reading about the donuts, I trust him to accept fat people completely.

[/James Callis fangirling]

I've been anxious about my weight for almost twenty years - it goes way back before I was even fat (and yes, I realize now I'm not huge or anything). It wasn't as oppressive at first, but for about the last eleven years, I've thought of my weight every day. Every time I've met a new person, I've assumed they judge me for my weight, until proven otherwise. (It's been true maybe three times.) I've felt like I must be unattractive to every living man and most women, and like I'm a huge disappointment to my parents because of it, and at the worst times, like nothing I achieve will ever wash away the fact that I'm hopelessly fat and worthless. On an intellectual level, I've known for some time that it's bullshit, but I think emotionally, I've only realized it little by little over the past year. Part of it is becoming more confident in general, and part of it is my girlfriend being so accepting of my body (and, to my surprise, genuinely turned on by it).

I think it's related to my general feelings of being worthless, because as I feel more worthy, I suddenly find the weight anxiety lifting. It's such a relief, I can't even begin to explain it. I've had moments before when I felt it lift, like a veil was taken off my eyes and I saw myself as worthy, and my weight meant nothing. Most of my spiritual experiences have been like that, like God came to me and said, "Listen, you're valuable", and for one beautiful moment, I believed it. But those were just moments, and they never lasted. I fully expected to have to wait til heaven to see myself that way for good. That's probably the biggest reason I was driven to suicide thoughts, because feeling worthless and repulsive is, after a while, a huge burden. I don't know how I ever expected to live with it and be happy, but I thought that was my lot in life.

Depression hasn't been fun, but I had to deal with all of this sometime. Maybe it was good that it came now and forced me to look at all these feelings. When you're doing just fine and have anxious moments every now and then, it can be deceiving, because you think it's just normal anxieties popping up here and there. But when you're miserable and suicidal five days in a row, you have to admit that maybe this self-loathing thing isn't quite working anymore. Something's gotta give.

I have a lot of work to do and it won't all go away overnight, but I feel so much better about myself now than I did some months ago. I want to laugh and cry and scream and throw things at the wall and hug every person I come across. Maybe it's not so surprising that my sex drive is completely out of control right now.

May Miscellanea

2009-05-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

I see I haven't written anything in a month. Typical for my blogs, of course, but I should get back on the horse. I've actually tried to write, but I have so much on my mind that it's hard to write about, somehow.

I feel like I've made a lot of progress in my recovery and general self-esteem issues. Acceptance is rushing in and I'm beginning to let it, little by little. I've been wrong about everything. I'm not inferior to everyone else, or even seen as such. I'm not ugly and repulsive. I'm not worthless. I'm not pathetic. What am I then? Not sure yet - but whatever it is, it has to be better than that.

I've thought a lot about people and time. There have been so many people before me, and there will be so many people after me. I'm just one of many, in a good way. I've always wanted to see myself as a little special, but I think that comes from seeing myself as special in a bad way. I'm inferior, and others despise me, so theres' gotta be some value to me, and it must mean "different" people are "special" people, and one day I will rise like the ugly duckling and show everyone. At school, I used to have fantasies where I float over the others' heads as they watch, amazed that they were wrong about me.

It's really hard to write about this. I already feel dizzy and fatigued. The thoughts are big and heavy and will take a long time to deconstruct, but I feel really encouraged by my progress at this point. It's less than three months since I was, at least on some level, ready to kill myself. I feel so different now. Life is worth living - and I'm worth it too.

The trip to my parents was incredibly exhausting. I stayed four days, which in retrospect was a little too long. I did well though; I behaved well throughout and wasn't grumpy and horrible at them. Mom and I went to the movies (she hadn't been since the 90's) to see a Christian movie that actually wasn't all around horrible, and we went to a guitar concert at a church, but I skipped going to church-church. Whew!

I also had two terrible anxiety attacks, migraine and vomiting (it's only happened once before and was also at my parents' house - might there be a connection?) and suicide thoughts. I was exhausted after my trip. But I had many important thoughts of acceptance while I was there, as well. I somehow felt like being with Mom wasn't as difficult this time. I didn't feel as judged as I have in the past. I also realized that I wasn't trying to please her super much, tried to just be myself, and even dared drink Coke in front of her without fearing her comments. They had a new scale and I weighed myself, in front of Mom, but away from her so she didn't see the reading. "Well, did you weigh anything?" she said, obviously curious. "No," I said. Subject dropped. I felt like I was able to keep her judgement out a bit.

The trip to my cousin's house two weekends ago, in contrast, was awesome. I was very relaxed and happy. Her dog is beautiful and very energetic and kept me busy throughout the weekend. There was much scratching, tossing a ball for her to fetch, and going on walks. I felt confident and strong being able to control her in the leash, and it made me very happy when she started listening to my commands. You just have to speak them in a stern voice; the first day there, I used this tiny timid voice and she didn't listen to me at all.

I left there longing for me doggy time, yet happy to be alone again. That was a good trip, and I wasn't as exhausted as I had expected. The day after I came home, I had a very good session with the psychologist. He said my self-image is becoming much more positive, and thus more realistic. I told him how I could eat at McDonald's now without worrying that people around me think what a gross fat glutton I am. How I could look at a picture of myself and see myself as beautiful. I felt good to be able to say things like that.

The psychologist called me an attractive woman. I know many women have been attracted to me, but I've never been described as "an attractive woman" before. It made me feel happy on a very deep level.

What else? I haven't heard from the book translation thing yet. I feel like I should contact the author, but I also feel like I might not yet be ready. Maybe I should rest over the summer. I feel restless and sort of eager to start working, but at the same time, my mind is still scattered in a thousand different directions.

I can't focus on:
-planning the future
-filling job applications
-writing a story
-writing a blog post about myself/politics
-translating (I'll try again this week, although I'm scared to try in case it won't work out)

On the other hand, it's not all bad. I can focus on:
-chatting with my girlfriend
-reading a book (I'd so missed this, and I'm finally rediscovering the joy of reading. Even pretty heavy, emotionally difficult books!)
-writing in my personal (physical) diary
-blogging about James Callis
-masturbating until I actually come
-enjoying good food

I love my girlfriend so much. She's a lot younger and has a difficult situation with her family, and I have no money to go to the US, so I don't know when we're going to meet offline and really plan a future together. But I love her so much, and we've been together for three years soon. Three years! In one way, it feels like we've known each other forever, and in another way it's like we only just started. The initial rush of emotion has worn off, but the love has gotten deeper, and I'm so happy with her still. We're deeply intertwined in a mutual appreciation and understanding. I never knew love could be this good. We're one and yet not; I'm still me, she's still herself, but together we're something more. It's really difficult to explain feelings like this, but I'm sure everyone who's been in love knows what I'm talking about.

My lower teeth are very sore, and I know I have to see the dentist soon. This is something I just have to process right now, I guess. It feels hard and I'd rather put it off indefinitely, but I have to see the dentist some day. I'm going to admit that the thought of suicide felt liberating in some ways. Never having to see the dentist again! Not having to watch my teeth rot from drinking soda and fall of my mouth for having such bad gum disease for ages. (I realize my teeth are probably fine and I just have complexes about them.)

Now my girlfriend logged in and I'll chat with her. More later.

Pre-Easter Miscellania

2009-04-08T03:55:00.000-07:00

Notes: This will probably show the date of the 8th, since that's when I started it, and I can't be arsed to change it. But for the record, I finished it on the 9th.

I'm behind on two blog memes, and I will look into them after Easter. Haven't forgotten.

So, off to my parents' house tomorrow to celebrate Easter, which totally means nothing to me now that I don't believe in Jesus. I'm going to keep that under wraps from my Mom, and probably go to church with her, but just for the record, I AM TOTALLY NOT FEELING IT and am probably going to make sarcastic remarks in my head the entire time. I used to hate people who applied logic to Christianity. What happened to me? Why did I stop feeling it? Is it a sign fom above? I still feel as close to God as ever, so I conclude that it is.

I spoke so much about Mom again in therapy. But I feel somewhat better - the counselor couldn't really promise that she wouldn't be upset about me being gay, or about me writing a book that doesn't ascribe to her values 100 %. But he did make me feel like I'm not guilty of anything if I go against her values. I'm a grown up and I need to have my own values and set my own boundaries. I might or might not talk about my depression. I'm leaning on not. We can just have a calm Easter togehter. Mom's probably missed me terribly in the months after Christmas; I've had my usual ambivalent love-guilt-anger-hate prism of feelings for her. Sometimes I wonder if she feels any of those negative things towards me, but like I told my counselor - I believe that she sees me as the good Christian girl she wishes I was. Except that I overindulge in junk food and don't keep a clean house. But these are just loveable flaws, aren't they? Minor vices that give her a feeling of power over me, a feeling that she's still the Mom, the grownup, the one who knows what's best.

And where's my Dad in all this? He just is. I sometimes feel like he's one of us kids. He does things of the "don't tell Mom" variety, and Mom is constantly scolding him for something. He's infinitely more relaxed morally and in all ways. I know I make Mom sound like a real tightass, but she can be loving and nurturing and funny, too .She's mostly kind and happy. I'm making excuses for her. And I can't even write two sentences about Dad without bringing Mom in. Poor Dad. I really have nothing to say about him.

Couldn't sleep until 7 am. Still in heat, this is now a six-day perma-orgasm and only muted by the fact that I got so little sleep (even if I did sleep til 3 pm). It feels.. good. And a little worrying. But mostly really, really good. I haven't had it happen since I got depressed, and somehow it makes me feel happier with myself and my life overall. I don't know why it makes me too restless to sleep - maybe my body wants pleasure instead of sleep. I'm also indulging in fatty foods in the hopes of gaining a few pounds, because my clothes are hanging on me. The scale is at the same point as before, so maybe I've gained muscle and become more trim or something? Or maybe I just tend to buy clothes that are too big, and I'm only now beginning to notice. Either way, I have money, so junk food it is.

Weird flashback at night, was at the hospital, cold strangers looking down at me in the high bed. I wailed for my Mommy, didn't want to be taken care of by anyone else. It's odd when these things come back, because I usually can't remember them. I was three when I was in the hospital. Hospital nights can be long and lonely, but haven't I gotten over this yet?

Huge emotional waves about my looks lately. I have always thought I'm repulsive and deformed. Lately I look at myself and think I look - pretty? When the therapist said I'm attractive in every way, did he mean my looks also? I wanted to ask him yesterday, but didn't dare. What's he going to say except yes? But on the other hand... Could I really be attractive to some people? If I am, what does it change? Am I one of the "snotty pretty girls" all of a sudden? Am I one of the people who used to make fun of me? Or maybe I'm just average and cute in a certain light. I feel more comfortable with that idea, to be honest. (My girlfriend assured me I'm really beautiful and sexy, but she is my girlfriend, so maybe I have to take that with a grain of salt.)

I've started a blog called Finding My Value, which will be my new fat acceptance/gay/spirituality blog with thoughts on my worth as a person (probably in the "personal is political" tradition). So far, I've reposted some old stuff from Fatly Yours, but no new posts as of yet. I'm having trouble writing a new post, so maybe I'm just not ready yet. But it feels good to have a new blog, a title for it, and a focus that's wider. I have a feeling this will be a good blog.

James Callis loves donuts. Please don't ask me to stay mad at him for a ten-year-old film. I feel completely at ease with him again; so far, while I've been fangirling, I've kept a sort of timid distance that wasn't there before. It's gone - I feel close to him again. I rest against his chest*, he clutches me closer to him*. "We're all just little people, aren't we?" he says*. I forgive him and am forgiven.

Conclusion from all of the above: maybe I'm not a complete loser, after all.

*= IN MY DREAMS.

Springtime Musings

2009-04-04T09:45:00.001-07:00

OK, maybe that title is a bit premature, but: I'm writing this at 7:51 PM and it's still light out! And it's raining. Not snowing, but raining. Water. The snow is melting, there is no ice, and I feel incredibly happy that spring is finally on its way here. It's been sorely missed.

I'm feeling pretty good the last few weeks. I think I had some kind of breakthru in therapy almost two weeks ago, and I've had so many thoughts after that, but they're still searching for shape and name, so I can't really blog about them. It's important stuff and my feeling of self-worth has greatly increased. I got 17 BDI points this week - mild depression. I started out with 40 (severe depression), and this is the first time I scored mild. I feel encouraged about it. I'm also beginning to feel a bit bored, like I could use more work or hobbies, and this is another good sign. So far, pretty much all of my energy has been spent on just getting by with the part-time job and keeping myself fed and relatively calm. (And fangirling, but that's more energy-giving than energy-hogging.) I'm spending some of my newfound energy, very uncharacteristically, on exercising - I even exercycled a few days ago, haven't done that in a while! I like to take brief brisk walks going to or from work, and especially when it's sunny out.

Easter is fucking up the work schedule, and I'll spend the holidays in Helsinki, so I'm working Thu-Mon, and then Wed-Thu, and going to Helsinki Fri-Mon, and then working Tue-Wed... It feels exhausting to think of, but I try to take it easy. Sunday is usually the last day of work for the week, so it'll be odd going in on Monday. I almost never do Mondays. Maybe I'll bump into some co-workers I never see?

My Dad came over and gave me 120 euros in coins, a 50 euro bill, and 30 euros worth of groceries. I feel really good, but also a bit bad. But he volunteered to give it all, so I feel good nevertheless. My money troubles are, for now, over; I should really save up some of it to have more to use later. I feel like spending on something, since I haven't done that in ages, but I can't really think of anything. Besides, I really do need to save. I'll try to tell myself that.

I cleaned up before Daddy got here. Really cleaned up. I even scrubbed some of the stains off the floor. He did remark that the printer looked dusty, but I don't really mind that; the point is that I had enough energy to wash
-the dishes;
-the kitchen desks;
-the floor (or parts of it at least).
It was a big feat for me, and I must admit the apartment feels fresher. I should still dust the bookshelf to really have fresh air in here, but it feels roomier and less cluttered. I feel good about this.

In other news, I am in heat again and came dangerously close to an orgasm last night. The depression took away all desire for sex - first because I was too tired, then because I was too sad, then because I just couldn't orgasm no matter what I did (a side effect for the pills). But lately I've had sex dreams, and I've felt things for certain people, including certain actors with initials JC and characters with initials GB. And just finding out JC likes donuts gave me an incredible heat wave. I could hardly sleep last night, thinking about it. It's because I love junk food and it makes me feel better about myself and him and because unhealthy habits, for some mysterious reason, make me incredibly hot.

The best kind of Saturday is a Saturday when you can just think of other stuff all day and not even care about the outcome of the work. And what is the outcome? Ten interviews and only three people who said no, in six hours. So the outcome is better when I don't worry about stuff.

Daddy was waiting for me downstairs and took me out to the Chinese place nearby. It was really nice to meet him, in the end - it always feels like a chore in beforehand and it always feels nice afterwards. I feel loved and looked afer, like always after meeting my parents.

This guy might just be the biggest idiot in the US. Long story short: he's tired of government bullshit - so he's decided to stop paying taxes. Yeah, that's exactly how you save the world. If only more of us realized that paying taxes is really unnecessary.

Cute animal pictures:
A sink for all sizes.
Ear-nibbling leads to boredom - part 1, and part 2.
Hedgehog meets scary dessert.
Hedgehog curls up in a ball:
part 1: preparation
part 2: lying down
part 3: curling up!
The hedgehog looks incredibly sad in that last one, as if the expression has to be squeezed in with the rest of it. When you see it that upclose, it's a pretty miraculous skill they have.
Real-life Bambi and Thumper.
A dog poses proudly with his achievement.

Happy Today

2009-03-16T09:47:00.001-07:00

I'm still depressed, but I think I've reached a point where I have some basic peace of mind. It allows for emotions to grow. I've always been an emotional person with highs and lows, but at some point the highs got lower and then, luckily only for a short time, disappeared completely. I feel like the opposite is happening now - the lows are appearing more briefly, and the highs are rising.

The basic mood is not as exhausted anymore. It feels like life and not merely survival. There's room for looking out the window into the blue moment of the evening. There's room for looking forward to the life that's emerging, every new day forming around me as I rest here. Songs can make me feel happy again. (Highly recommended: Into the Fire by Thirteen Senses.) I'm genuinely excited about the finale of Battlestar Galactica and can't wait to see it.

I'm quite horny, which is a sign of life, but my meds are making it hard - and at times impossible - to orgasm. I'm not really concerned though. It may not be a high tide, but there are pleasurable ripples going on. It makes my mood higher in general. I'm also rediscovering the joys of chocolate.

Had another dream about my cousin. This time, we were at a farm she owned. It was summer, and there were rows of sheep lying in the baking sun. I took a water hose and sprayed them with it, and they came alive and smiled, enjoyed the touch of water. A happy dog bounced into my lap and drank from the hose. I felt alive and happy. I thought, "I no longer fear living forever." It feels like a hopeful sign.

Oh my god, I'm going to get to translate a book! My future doesn't look as bleak anymore. Nothing spectacular will happen in the near future - but my everyday life will go on, safe and happy as always, and I will move towards the goals I have. I will be a translator. And I will be an author. There's still so much time for it all. Today, I'm free to rest.

Other News (Or Lack Thereof)

2009-03-15T13:35:00.000-07:00

I guess I should write a bit more since my last post was so sad. It did turn out to be just a quick bout of anxiety, so I feel better. My next counseling session is on the 23rd. I must admit I feel like I need one tomorrow already, but I'll manage. There are lots of thoughts in my head about the depression, but they're not particularly organized.

I was suffering from migraine with nausea today, so maybe it was bad karma to lie about it on Wednesday. Only I don't believe in karma. So maybe it's just muscle tensions. I feel like there's this smell that's following me and making me feel sick, like the smell of a blocked drain. But I've showered and it's still there. I think it's the kind of thing that comes when you have migraine, like a phantom smell that doesn't really exist. It's faint now, but very disturbing.

Got lots of interviews today, and will get a good pay with three Sundays, so I'm hoping my pay days will become somewhat better. I've hated having next to no money all of this year. It's this constant thing with bills piling up - or, like this month, paying a lot of bills and feeling good about that, and then realizing you have very little money for food.

I bought cheap microwave meals, but that food just doesn't taste good to me anymore. I hope I can keep myself from eating out five days a week, but I hate cooking and I seem to hate microwave meals too lately. I'll try to make myself eat at the uni. Something about me resents eating there, even if the food is good and cheap. It's the cafeteria atmosphere, and maybe the years of "I'm still not graduating" feel that sits above my head like a cloud. Maybe I should go in there and purposefully think "I did graduate" over and over. Would that make it any better? There were so many things about university that I liked, but the whole having to graduate thing... I don't know. I get this feeling of inadequacy and despair there. It's like the psychologist said, "But you did graduate", like he thought I wasn't appreciating it enough. I don't, I guess. For me there's always a but. It took so long, it was so hard, it didn't go at all as I had planned... On some level, I guess I feel like university proved me to be dumb and inadequate. I could really relate to this PostSecret (even if I'm just a "master", not a "doctor").

I've told everyone about the book translation thing, so I hope it's actually going to be published. I'm not entirely sure if the psychologist has a book deal abroad - he's not always very practical - but I hope he's going to have some use of the translation because I'm sure as hell charging. :P I'll be more excited over this once I get the book, I think. So far I'm just cautious and "what if it doesn't come about." But it has made me feel a bit better about my job. It feels more temporary, and like I'm more than that.

The truth is, I need for people to say they're proud of me and excited over my news. I need to have news. I guess me graduating was that kind of thing - and now it's done and there's nothing until I get a proper translating job. I will never get married (to a man in a "respectable" way), and I will certainly never have children.

A friend called while I was at work. She told me about her nights with the new baby - waking up every two hours for a feed. I am so glad I have no children. I feel like I should add that she has all these joys I know nothing about yada yada, but I don't feel it. She's trapped with that kid forever, and there's no going back. I feel trapped just thinking about it. I must admit she sounded happy though, and not completely exhausted. I'm glad her husband's helping out so much. I know a few families where the guy does nothing and the mother's completely swamped.

I feel like I should stop bringing up a certain British Jewish actor with striking cheekbones, because Google blogsearch seems to find this blog much better than my actual blog about said actor. Like, my dream post is already in that search. I'm sure it's a very interesting and edifying post for anyone interested in the actor, because they're all fascinated with my dreams (and my depression and my coming-out issues and whatever else that I've blogged about here). But does everyone who reads this know who I mean when I say James? Lots of Jameses in the world.

And yes, I actually do think I'm too obsessed with him to never bring him up again. :P Maybe we should think of a code name for him.

Dream Interpretation, Anyone?

2009-03-15T13:00:00.000-07:00

Had a dream about swans. I was at my aunt's house, and their corner bedroom was flooded with waist-deep water. I was also at work and conducting a survey among James Callis fans, and the fan I wanted to interview was this baby swan. It kept going under the water to hide from me, but each time, I gently lifted it up to the surface. The water is so shallow, I thought, that it can never hide from me.

Then the mother swan came up and looked at me with a black, angry eye, and I fled the room. "I'm going to sleep in that room tonight," I said to my uncle or cousin in the living room. "I hope it's safe by then!" His response was nonchalant, "Oh, the water will have cleared up by then." I took that to mean that once you remove the carpet from the floor, there's no more water and the swans will fly away. (There was also a bear in that room, where my cousin's bed is in real life, but I'm not sure if that's significant.)

Questions for Bible study groups:
-Is the baby swan supposed to be one of the people I call, who are trying to get out of doing a survey? Or some deeper symbolism there?
-What, if anything, did this dream have to do with James Callis?
-Is it significant that my old internet nick is "Swan"? (Which is still part of my email addy here, coming to think of it.)
-Is this referring to my attempt to hide my true identity from my family, and only be myself online? (Actually, this seems to make sense, because it happened at my aunt's house.)
-Does the mother swan in the dream represent my mother?

Hmm. I had another dream where my girlfriend, my brother and I were all living together. My girlfriend was married to my brother, but that was all a cover to hide that Mary and I love each otherl. My cousin came for a visit and, even if she knew nothing about this arrangement, I very openly made out with Mary in front of everyone. And then I jumped around across a church floor where my Mom was watching.

So I'd say maybe it all had something to do with me being in the closet to my family.

Incidentally, my interest in sex is very much returning, which is probably a good sign.

Edit: My girlfriend thinks the dream is borrowing this imagery that we recently looked at, and referring to last night's chat. The cousin who appears in the dream invited me over next weekend, and I agreed to go, but that's the date of the BSG finale and I might just have to stay home and watch with my girlfriend instead. We agreed it would be too risky to watch at her house, because we're scared of being caught.

Actually that's disappointingly literal, but it does make a lot of sense.

Bad Day

2009-03-13T13:54:00.000-07:00

I've never tried to blog on a bad day before, because it's really hard to focus on writing. But I'll try now. We'll see.

So today, I started out in a really good mood, after paying all my bills. I was walking down the street with a smile on my face. Then I picked up money at the ATM and apparently dropped it, or forgot to take it, because it's not there. I feel like a complete idiot. At work, I was panicky but not awfully so, and took a Xanax to soothe my mood. It felt better for a while. But at some point in the evening, the heavy darkness set in again.

I've had suicide thoughts repeatedly today. It's not a definite plan, just a thought that says "I am going to kill myself" over and over. It's pretty disturbing.

I'm incredibly tired. I'll blow-dry my hair in a minute, once I can muster the energy to do so. I'm going to have some toast, I think. It just all sounds like so much work. Staying alive feels like so much work. Life will never end. I literally believe I will live forever, in heaven. That sounds like the worst nightmare ever. I promised myself I wouldn't get into that thought cycle when I'm in this mood, but it's really hard not to.

I feel like crying for no apparent reason. I probably won't but I feel like it. I haven't felt that way for a while.

I haven't had much of an appetite the last few days. I have to remind myself that it's time to eat now. It's very easy to forget.

I have a scary feeling that everyone's laughing at me. I'm not sure who "everyone" is. I worry that people hate me.

One positive thing: I'm really glad I told the psychologist honestly that I can't work right now, because it would have been due tomorrow and I'm a complete mess today as it is. I'm so relieved that, instead of being all "ok, I'm never using YOU again", he promised me the book translation job. But then he's a psychologist and has had depression himself. He knows.

It might be that Im in the same phase in my cycle as I was when I first saw the doctor. Maybe it's made worse by the PMS.

It's probably not good to dwell on these feelings, so I'll stop now and start watching more Keeping Up Appearances to occupy my mind. And I'll eat something and blow-dry my hair and get to bed and go to work tomorrow as normal, because that's the only way I know how to deal with this. Funny shows, keeping up with the daily rituals, eating and sleeping as well as I can. And I'll try to stay hopeful. Maybe it's just a one-day slump and I'll feel better tomorrow.

I was going to say something else, but I can't remember it, so I'll end abruptly here. Tomorrow will be better.

Mental Health Update

2009-03-12T03:50:00.000-07:00

I called in sick yesterday. I felt like I needed the day off, even if I wasn't technically that sick. I decided I'd go with "migraine and nausea". Went a bit too far and made myself gag for the sake of sounding genuine. I called in and the supervisor said he can't understand a word I'm saying. So I sent an email instead. I hope it was more believable, and not less, that my voice was jumbled. My throat hurt like hell after gagging. Don't try this at home. But I got my day at home, and I enjoyed it. I think it was good for me to sit in silence for a few hours and just do nothing.

Then I stayed up til five AM again and I couldn't sleep past twelve noon, again, and I feel exhausted. I think it's still from the depression, or maybe the meds. My sleep is distracted and strange lately. But I did sleep and I did dream - about Mad Men and Peggy having a baby without knowing she was pregnant. I saw an episode about that last night and it was really intense and obviously stayed in my mind. In the dream, I was helping clean out her fridge because she had been gone so long. Or something. Either way, I'm going to work today, end of story. Even if I really feel like staying home and sleeping all day.

The psychologist I've done translations for emailed me about a job, and I had to turn it down because I'm not ready to work yet. I got an anxiety attack just from thinking about it. At least he can understand depression, and he was very nice about it - and offered me his book to translate once I feel better! !!!! I don't know how much I've written about this so far, but book translating is my dream (it comes second only to being a writer), and I'm so thrilled about this. I honestly don't know what the publishing plan is, etc, but translating a whole book is such a merit in the CV, and will give me essential work experience. This is so great.

The psychologist meeting on Monday went really well. It's a free hospital counseling thing, maybe about ten times, so it's not a long-term therapy thing, but I felt very nervous. Maybe because it's not a permanent thing, like why should I open up to a person I'm only meeting ten times? And what if he's annoying or doesn't understand me or pushes me to make choices I'm not ready to make?

But when I got there, he was really nice and easy to talk to. So I just flat out started with "I was really anxious last weekend" and went on to tell him my whole life story. So he knows everything about me. And he accepts everything. He accepts that I have a girlfriend online that I've never met so far, and that she's ten years younger than me. He accepts that I can be myself online and write blogs. He accepts that I'm fat acceptant. He accepts that I have dialogues with God. He thinks these are all good things. He said it's a good thing that I have my own values and have done a lot of thinking, and I feel incredibly validated and heard by him. He actually made me feel like a successful person - someone who's gotten somewhere in her life, and been able to form her own opinions. So I feel good about myself, at least to some extent. I'm really relieved that went so well. He seemed relieved I could talk so much, so maybe some people don't even really talk on their first session.

Except I didn't mention my unhealthy obsession with James Callis - maybe that's for next time. ;) I did talk about writing the post about the fat joke that offended me, and he seemed to think that was really good. So I feel good about that. I guess. I honestly don't know how James feels, if he's read it. I know it was important for me personally to write that post, but if I were an actor and had a fan with a blog who wrote a post saying "I love you, but stop being mean to fat people", how would I feel? I have to stop thinking about this. The post made me feel better about myself and James, so it's all good. I've pretty much resumed gushing about him as normal though. I wonder if I should stop bringing him up in this diary, because I already have a blog about him. Maybe it's annoying to those of you who aren't fans. On the other hand, it is my personal diary, so just skip those paragraphs, I guess. I honestly don't know. Can you tell I'm indecisive at the moment? I keep second guessing decisions I've already made. It's a part of depression.

Another obsession right now is the British show Keeping Up Appearances, and I have introduced my girlfriend to it as well. We spent a long time last night watching episodes. Basically it's a very formulaic show and every episode is pretty much the same, but it still manages to be funny and witty and true to life. I admire the writers' skill of reproducing the same situations in new ways. The formulaic nature brings me safety though - it's like I need simple things to soothe my mood. And I have an aunt who is very much like Hyacinth, constantly making a fool of herself because she's so determined to impress everyone. It's sad in real life, but funny on a show.

Brief fat acceptance interlude: It bugs me that the Obamas are anti-fat. I can understand the concern about Malia's health, but I was once a chubby ten-year-old and I think I was traumatized when my Mom tried to interfere (mostly by making sarcastic comments). I wish parents understood that when your child is "getting a litte chubby", they usually feel incredibly sensitive about it. And by the way, slim children eat processed foods and packed juices also. What if Malia or Sasha - or, god forbid, both - grow up to be fat women? Will they get acceptance at home, or be constantly badgered to change, like I have been?

I shouldn't think about this stuff now. My mother made me feel so ashamed over my body as a kid. She still does. Yet I'm sure she means well, and doesn't want me to feel bad about myself, and even sometimes says she's proud of me for being fat acceptance - she just does. not. get. it. It's not something she'd think about on a deeper level; it's Bad For Your Health, end of story. The psychologist thought maybe she feels it's her duty as a mother to care about my weight, and she'd feel neglectful if she just let me be this way. He also said that even if she has strong values in other things - Christian values etc. - she might not have strong values or views on weight. I felt validated by that too.

I cannot believe how many times I brought up my mother in that session. I didn't think I had that many Mommy issues, but maybe I do.

Gratuitous New Photo

2009-03-11T05:36:00.000-07:00

Taken on my camera phone yesterday. Made it my profile photo as well - all the other photos I've had on my blogs are so much older.

So this is what I look like right now. I'm eerily reminded of my class photo from age 16 - I really haven't changed very much. I have big eyes, a small nose and chubby cheeks, so basically I look like a big baby. Is that cute or annoying? You decide. I must say I look cute to myself lately, maybe because of my girlfriend who won't stop saying how beautiful I am. (L)!

Courageous Day

2009-03-06T23:03:00.000-08:00

So I had decided before that if James Callis ever did or said anything against fat people, I would react to it in my blog - in a respectful, intelligent way, not angrily - because he's smart and kind enough to hear me out. I hope I was right, because I had to do just that yesterday. I'm proud of the post - I think I said all I needed to say.

I'll probably never know how he received it, if he reads it. But whatever. I've shown myself to be more than a gushing fangirl. I've shown that I'm still fat acceptant, even if he isn't. I stood my ground. Hopefully I got through to him and made him think. It took some courage to post that, because I´m risking that, if he reads, he´ll be hurt or find me tedious because of that post.

I usually write people off over jokes like this, but in this case, with so many good things I've learned about James, it's too late for that. It hurt more because I'm already so attached, but maybe it will help me in my self-acceptance in the long run. Maybe I can learn something about not hating everyone who makes a fat joke, about not writing them off as mean douchebags. We're all just human beings, and all of us have some prejudices. The only way to fight prejudice is to tell people how it feels when you're the target.

James has always been nice to fat people face to face from what I've heard, and hasn't said any concern-trollish things, so maybe he's not that anti-fat anyway.

I feel really at peace with myself and the world today. I´m strong, brave, and dare stand my ground. It feels great!

In other news, Eema-Le gave me a blog award, which also made me very happy. I´ll get to my awards in a few days, I want to give it some thought first. So stay tuned for that.

Back to working, and as usual, sorry about the ´signs. The work computer sucks.

Healthy! :)

2009-03-04T03:18:00.000-08:00

So, I saw the doctor today and am very relieved to announce that my physical health is fine. Nothing wrong with the heart film or thyroid, and my blood sugar was particularly good for a non-fasting glucose (I didn't have time for breakfast that morning, so that might affect it. I did eat normally the night before though). I'm very relieved about that, because my Dad's had problems with blood sugar lately. And I have had random heart palpitations, but I think that's been anxiety-based, because it only comes when I'm having an anxiety attack.

So the fatigue is completely depression-related and will be going away on its own, as I get better. I'm feeling much perkier the last few days though, so I think it'll be fine. The doctor was very happy to see me so much better already. I got a booklet where I can keep a mood journal, and it has some practical advice on treating depression. I told her about M's support, and she said peer support is often the best help of all. So far, I do think it's what's helped me the most. (That and my girlfriend's loving attitude, but I didn't go into that because I wasn't in the mood for coming out - maybe it's no big deal for a doctor, but it's always something I feel a bit nervous about.) She wants to see me again in the summer or a bit before, and the medication should be continued for at least six months from now. I started on the stronger meds yesterday - from 10 mg to 20 - and my mood last night was, as expected, restless and anxious, so I had to rely on the Xanax (called Xanor here) to calm me down. (My antidepressant is Sepram/Celexa, for those interested.) Obviously there's an adjustment period to the higher dosage. I'm prepared for another difficult night, but I have the day off and have some DVDs I can watch if the anxiety hits.

I'm very relieved and happy with how that went. Next Monday, I'm meeting the psychologist, which I'm more nervous about, but I won't think about it just yet. This week's scary topics have been dealt with. I've paid all my bills - with "a little" help from Mom and Dad - and have very little money left, but just enough to keep me fed until the 13th. I got a nice tofu-mushroom-bamboo meal at the Chinese by the railway station and enjoyed it at home while watching The Simpsons. Drinking sugary Coca-Cola with much glee - no worries about blood sugar! (I feel more excited about sugary cola since I found out James Callis likes to drink it. It feels silly and fangirlish, but I guess it's not too worrying, since I have liked cola before. The day I take up smoking because of him, feel free to slap me in the face with the fresh fish of your choice.)

Had a nightmare about going to heaven, where it was dreadfully boring, and I realized that it's not eternal bliss. "That's just your own expectations," said my dead grandmother. "Heaven isn't all fun and games, you know! And you have to be here forever!" I fled into an old rickety elevator that got stuck between the floors, at which point I woke up. I blame this dream completely on the Jehovah's witness who showed up at my door yesterday and, after I (way too kindly) let her talk for a while, handed me a copy of the book "What does the Bible REALLY teach?" The illustrations are, as always, highly amusing. Unintentional homoeroticism and other fun things abound - if my webcam cooperates, I might want to take a few pictures and post them here (is it a sin to mock others' religion?). It's fairly obvious from the text that this is a cult, and the overdone gleeful grimaces of everyone in the pictures don't convince me that it's genuine joy they're feeling. So I guess that's what the dream was about.

I must admit that the visit made me somewhat miss going to church. I was raised in a Christian home, and my mother's particularly religious. I've recently had some fundamental changes in my relationship to religion; I still believe in God, and I don't think I want to give that up, because I do feel there's a truth there... but but but. Did He send His only son to die on the cross for us? Sounds a bit weird. Would He only be saving a small fraction of people who worship in a certain way, while everyone else (including all the good, kind people who are not religious) will be thrown into eternal damnation? I really don't want to believe that. Is He strictly opposed to homosexuality, abortion, sex outside of marriage, etc? Hell no.

Maybe those last two things can still be somehow adapted into a Christian faith, but I can't really call myself a Christian if I don't believe in Jesus anymore. This is already going deeper than I can handle at the moment, so I'll cut it short here. I need to work on my relationship with religion more later, but right now it just feels a bit overwhelming. One thing's for sure, though: I will NOT be joining Jehovah's Witnesses.